Raising the Wrecking Crew

That's what you think about in the back seat?

2012-01-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

I happened on the most interesting deck of cards the other day. Each card in the deck shares one, and only one, symbol with every other card. The game entails a race to see who can find the shared symbol on any two cards first. It got me thinking about how they are made.

So, as a puzzler, I asked Z to think about the problem. How many unique symbols does a deck of ten cards have to have for each card to share one and only one symbol with every other card in the set? I said, don't worry about solving this immediately - but, I'll be interested to hear if you can solve it.

Without a pause, he starting talking. Here are his words, as closely as I can recall...

"Oh, I've solved this before. I was thinking about this once while we were driving somewhere. The problem isn't how many symbols... it's the summing them up. You see, for ten cards, you'd need nine plus eight plus seven and so on to one symbols. The tenth card would share one of nine symbols with each card. Then, the ninth card would share eight unique symbols with the remaining cards and so on. It's really the summing that is a problem. Oh, wait, you don't have to sum them. Nine plus one is ten, eight plus two is ten, and so on until we get to five. That's, uh, four times ten, leaving the five. So, you need 45 symbols for ten cards."

I can't decide which is more impressive... Is it that he has thought about this while we were driving his brother to practice? Is it that he could just spew the answer off the top of his head? Is it that he found summation harder than the problem? That he found the alternate work-around from summation? Or, is it that he gave me the answer in about thirty seconds of talking it through out loud?

Now, when he doesn't chit-chat with me while we drive around town, I'll be wondering what algorithms are kicking around in his head.

Feeding fish to cheetahs.

2012-01-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

There is a wonderful article by Stephanie Tolan on how public educators define and recognize giftedness (http://www.stephanietolan.com/is_it_a_cheetah.htm). She talks about how, if we define cheetahs solely by their ability to dash about at nearly 70 mph, we'd never be able to recognize a cheetah in a zoo. It is a terrific metaphor - zoos don't usually have the space for cheetahs to reach top speeds. Even the most remarkable zoos, if they offer the space for a cheetah to really stretch out, don't give cheetahs any need to. Cheetahs only reach top speed if they are chasing something remarkably zippy. Cheetahs that are fed pre-killed meat simply don't need to dash like that.

Likewise, gifted kids may be hard to recognize in public schools. While the gifted and high-achieving kids are pretty easy to recognize anywhere, not all gifted kids fit that mold. The little girl that teaches herself Greek and complies with everything at school quickly and easily - sure. But, the gifted kid that is bored by the curriculum might just not comply - and, therefore, not fit the criteria in achievement to be recognized as gifted.

But, some zoos don't stop at feeding cheetahs pre-killed meat - they make them chase fish. What if the school cares about reading and writing skills first in identifying gifted kids? What if, further, the school documents an inability to sit at their desk and finish their work as a criterion. The little boy that doesn't care about reading because he is busy studying the clock and imagining how different gears might make the hands go at different speeds is basically the cheetah ignoring the fish. Because, cheetahs don't swim. Then, the little cheetah that is bored by fish, but fascinated by the ducks that come to the pond will soon be not only passed over by the gifted program - but, passed over by even moderate treatment by the zoo.

We are parenting some cheetahs that hate the pool. Sure, they aren't much into reading or writing, but they all played competent chess in kindergarten (beating 4th and 5th graders regularly). You want them to read? Give the boys a technical manual on construction, building, or sports. Yeah, they don't like coloring, but they can build anything you want out of Lego. You don't think that they can follow step-by-step instructions? Instead of having them follow your step-by-step art instructions, you should see how they built the "mini-weapon of mass destruction" from the design manual. They hate memorizing their times tables, but they've solved algebra problems for our Easter "clue" hunt since they were three. Sure, you complain that they don't show their work in math, but they don't actually miss any of the answers. You don't like that they didn't solve the problem using the method you were teaching? You should realize that they were solving it while you were talking - and, got the right answer using a different method. Writing sentences about how Suzie "felt" in a book may provoke moans and tears. But, ask them to explain the importance of "gearing up" vs. "gearing down" and sit back to enjoy the lecture. They may not remember to bring home the correct books to complete their homework assignments. But, on the way home, they can disassemble the car's seat belt (the manufacturer didn't think that it could be done). My kindergartner couldn't remember to take his shoes with him when we left the house, but he explained a graphical model with null cline analysis to my college seniors.

I constantly feel like we battle the ability of the teachers to recognize and reinforce the value of students that have exceptionalities in areas that are not the stalwarts of early education. The losers here are the kids - their exceptionalities are not valued by anyone at their school. The are learning to hate school - it feels (to them) like hours of uninteresting work punctuated by little or no time out of their seats.

[Image from http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/]
If only we can survive early education - it will be amazing to see where they can go.

The intended audience.

2012-01-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

Is the intended audience important when we consider creativity? How does the audience change the process, the product, and the enjoyment of stretching your brain to see connections, view new perspectives, or represent thoughts or ideas.

While I write this blog primarily for myself, I enjoy the occasional comment or email that it provokes. But, I am not driven to write here because I want or need your feedback. This is truly a repository for me. If something resonates with someone else - that makes me happy. If no one responds, that is also fine. I love writing. But, when I write with a strong audience in mind (particularly my scientific writing), the actual critic that will view my work takes away from some of the pleasure in sharing my findings.

I dabble in other art forms as well. I sketch and draw (a common tool of natural historians) as these sketches help me keep structures, forms, and identification straight. I enjoy photography, both for the aesthetic value of capturing natural moments and capturing the children as they grown and change. Occasionally I pick up the guitar and try to remember some of what I once knew. I periodically will pick up paint or other crafty things. I enjoy doing these activities as an outlet. But, if I participated with a future audience looming over me, my inner critic gets in the way of the process being enjoyable.

I love to cook. Finding nutritious and delicious ways to feed myself (and my family) is a joy. Sadly, our palates do not always agree on what constitutes delicious. With a terribly fussy youngest child and a super-taster for a husband - I have been somewhat limited here as of late. Thus, here is another creative endeavor where my process changes when I have an audience.

When you create - how does your audience change the process?

Island Time

2012-01-10T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am still having a difficult time re-entering the United States. I have been in the Bahamas, teaching a course on coral reefs. While J argues that I seem equally stressed there as here - I argue that it is a different kind of stress. It suits me more.

Here, I eye my watch (or the bottom corner of my screen) all day long. When new email pings in, I jump to determine whether I need to respond right away. I am constantly monitoring Z, to insure that he is making progress in his (eclectic) homeschool assignment du jour. I am trying to fit my own work in around the edges here (which is probably backwards). I figure my job will be there for awhile, but Z will grow up and I don't want to miss these moments. Once the other kids arrive home from school, we start the slog through the day's homework, packing their school things away. Then, off to lessons, sports, or other commitments. Finally, we have hungry children to feed, dirty children to clean, dirty clothing to clean, fold, and pack away.  Then, we have tired children to convince to bed. Thus, only leaving a house to clean (not often), and the various other life forms that depend on us (dog, plants, yard, etc.). Don't get me wrong - I love it all, but there is always a sense of immediacy. This doesn't really suit my type B personality.

In the Bahamas, the stress is different. My watch is less important - there, it is the weather. I watch prevailing winds, temperatures, and storms to try to fit in all of our activities around the (mostly) unpredictable whims of the weather. I worry about keeping track of our children and other people's children (my students). I count heads a lot and try to warn people about risks that are new to them.

In the Bahamas, parenting is different. I don't cook or do dishes. I have a different sense of clean and dirty for the kids' clothing (and my own, frankly). The kids are busy all day exploring, creating, learning, and living - no homework drudgery.   The kids feed off of the playful energy of the students. The students feed off of the curiosity and unbridled enthusiasm of the kids. In addition to J watching the children, we have a dedicated helper keeping them from killing themselves or each other. The kids are so exhausted at night that, for the most part, they pass out once their heads hit the pillow.

In the Bahamas, teaching is different. The class is so compact that the students have a constant sense of urgency - no one gets tired of the day-to-day schedule. Everything is new and different, which makes it more salient. The buddy system in the water and their trepidation at the unknown (will there be sharks? stingrays? are the currents strong or waves rough?) makes them operate naturally as a team. We are released from the drama that is associated with our relationships with people out of class. We are released from the constant pull of electronic communication.

In the Bahamas, introverted folks like me interact regularly with new and interesting people from all over. And, with the tropical setting and the communal meals - it is easier to get to know people than I find it here.

I returned home to a cold, gray and rainy world. The kids are sluggish getting ready for school and balk at working on homework. I know that they are having the same trouble re-adjusting.  How to balance providing compassion for this challenge and the need to make it happen?

Driving me distracted

2011-12-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

The federal government is considering whether to force states to outlaw all cell phone use while driving. While I understand that driving distracted is dangerous, I am not comfortable with this sort of legislation. I am reasonably comfortable with texting, web-surfing, and typing being outlawed... all of these tasks require both hands and eyes. But, mental distraction, as in hands-free cell phone use, is not something that legislation can control.

Sure I talk on my phone while driving, but I don't begin to consider that as dangerous or distracting as the other things that I have to do. If they really want to make me safer on the road, it is time to implement the car-top kid carrier. The kids really drive me nuts in the car. They fight, they throw stuff, they moan, and they cry. They pee in their seats, eat, ask me to look at stuff ("um, no, I'll look at the road instead"), and they drop things.

What else do I do while driving? I sometimes eat. I almost always drink soda. I reach for a tissue and blow my nose. I keep my dog out of my lap, she weighs 70 pounds. I reach for my sunglasses.

What don't I do behind the wheel? I never text or read email or websurf. I don't apply make-up or do my hair. I don't apply nail polish. Should we also address the legality of all of these things? I see people applying make-up behind the wheel all the time.

How about instead of legislation to outlaw distractions, we make people more culpable for damage they inflict by being irresponsible?

Enabler.

2011-12-13T06:34:00.000-08:00

I have a student signed up for a course. This course is a study abroad offering. Thus, there is a lot of paperwork and planning required. Most of this rests on me. But, there is a substantial amount of planning and preparation that I have to require of the students.

This year, one of my students has, thus far, failed to complete a single piece of this preparation on their own. His mother has been the main point person on every piece of paperwork, documentation, and meeting. His mother has finished the papers, sent the emails, contacted me, and sent apologies.

What will this child do when he gets his first job? Will she serve as a go-between for his boss? Will she wake him up so he can get to work on time?

Kid. You are in your 20s. You are a college student. You want to live "independently". With that kind of power comes responsibility.

Kid. It is time to buck up, grow up, and do the right thing.

Mom. It is time to back off, let your kid face his own consequences, and force your kid to grow up.

I hope that I am never this mom and that my child is never this child.

New technology.

2011-12-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

Z is working on a science project that covers innovations. While discussing the advent of mobile phones, texting, the internet, and email - he suddenly froze.

"How did people communicate before mobile phones?"

"We waited until we got to our destination."

Wow. Maybe someday I'll blow his mind and tell him about tv that you can't pause (and came only in black and white - with three channels and a roof antenna), phones that all have cords, and music spinning on a big black vinyl record.

Suddenly it makes more sense that I need reading glasses.

Dear Abby thinks "Worst First"

2011-12-08T05:12:00.000-08:00

A "working mom in Kansas" asked Dear Abby this morning how old her child needs to be before she can leave them alone at all. Abby's response can be found here:
http://www.uexpress.com/printable/print.html?uc_full_date=20111208&uc_comic=da

Essentially, her answer is never, because something could happen.

Here is my response...

Dear Abby,

On 8 December, you responded to a working mom that wanted to know at what age a child can be left in the house alone. You responded “I don’t think children should be left alone if there is any alternative…” because “Too many things can go wrong…” This is a classic example of what Lenore Skenazy (www.freerangekids.com) refers to as “worst-first” thinking. Because of rare tragic things that could happen, we will handicap our children’s ability to gain from the many positives associated with this kind of independence. Further, we will handicap this parent’s finances and their ability to shop alone for brief periods of time.

Can you really not imagine any age where a child is capable of being left alone in their home? Not at 8? Or 11? Or 14? Or 17? How is it that these children will learn to be capable adults if they don’t get to practice gaining increments of independence under the (sometimes remote) supervision of their parents or guardians? Is this why, as a professor, I see college students today that are incapable of facing the regular bumps and glitches of daily life without calling on their parents to fix their problems for them?

Perhaps instead of “never”, we can look for indicators that a child is capable of short time periods home alone. In that each child develops differently, the right age for gaining responsibility and freedom will be different. Here is one article highlighting the signs of readiness: http://kidshealth.org/parent/firstaid_safe/home/home_alone.html. After experimenting with leaving them home during short errands, children can gain confidence and earn additional freedoms. Practice can help children gain confidence in solving their own problems on the road to becoming capable adults.

Instead of infantilizing our children due to remote risks, we need to empower them. If you will recall, just a few decades ago, we did that very thing. I was a latch-key kid at nine and babysitting at 11. In the 70’s, this was regular practice. Before you argue that the world was safer then, note that the crime statistics show that life is safer today than it has been since 1970 or earlier. In that time on my own, I learned how to feed myself when I was hungry, how to clean up after myself, how to take care of others, who to call when you need help, and I developed the confidence that I could take care of myself. That experience was invaluable.

Best and worst

2011-11-09T13:26:00.000-08:00

In our recent tradition, our family reviews worsts and bests every day at the dinner table. This way, we can all hear about the lows and highs and stay in touch with what our children love and hate about their lives.

Homeschooling my oldest child, Z, has been a long-term exercise in bests and worsts.

Worsts first:

My patience is often not what it could be. I hate what I become sometimes.
Homeschooling and working full-time is dodgy.
How much he learns and completes is more of a reflection on me than on him sometimes.
We are always together.

Now, to balance us out, Bests:

Sometimes, he can get completely absorbed in something that fascinates him, and I don't have to make him put it aside.
He can always work just on the boundary of what he knows - all of his work is "high-gain".
He loves to learn and read, and homeschool doesn't squelch that.
We are always together.

But, what about the controversy?

2011-10-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

I am concerned about the education that my children are getting in public school.

For example, the children are taught unequivocally that the earth is round.

There are a lot of people that believe, instead, that the earth is flat. Isn't it unfair that their viewpoint is being treated with such disdain? Why is it that we have this value judgment in place where we will teach one set of beliefs and not the other? It is culturocentric for us to presume to teach only one side of this controversial topic.

Where are the discussions about the cultures that dissent on this issue? Where are the alternative map views?

It is all about giving fair time to different perspectives. Isn't it?

The most exciting day of school.

2011-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

The most exciting school day... has no school in it. Following, please find a list of some of the most exciting moments our kids have had learning.

Our eight-year-old taking on college kids in chess.
Our six-year-old playing with sea creatures under a microscope.
All three boys fishing on a boat, learning to identify fish, types of bait, how boats and waves move, how wind interacts with waves, tides, and how to work together toward a common goal.
Hiking in the forest and trying to catch bugs.
Doing long, hard, challenging workouts for months on end until you can earn the privilege of testing for the your next belt in your martial arts.
Disassembling furniture, and trying to put it back together again.
Finding a book in the library that makes them want to tuck in and read all afternoon.
Determining whether or not you want an item based on how many weeks allowance it would cost.
Negotiating deals and calculating costs in monopoly.
Building Lego robots, and programming them.
Talking about different ways of viewing the world and our culture.
Reading Richard Dawkins new book, and asking Professor Dawkins a question about it.
Holding a live hummingbird at the hummingbird festival.
Going to a Rennaissance Fair.
Practicing piano for weekly lessons - this week... "Hedwig's Theme"!
Learning about their uncle's sculpture.
Picking out a recipe and cooking dinner.
Going to an art gallery.
Playing with dry ice.
Building and lighting a fire.

What do these days have in common?

Self motivation - they were learning because they were personally invested in learning something.
Determination - they were teaching themselves to stick with something, even when it is hard.
Pushing the bounds of their knowledge and know-how - they were stretching themselves in new and different ways.
Responsibility - they were empowered to try something out, even at the risk of minor injury, to learn to take care of themselves and make good choices.

These are the features that we should be looking for in quality, high gain schoolwork. Not more, just more interesting. While all schoolwork can't do all of this, all school work should do some of this.

Experience

2011-09-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, there is an ongoing movement among schools to reduce all kinds of experiential learning. The movement doesn't really go by that name, it goes by - "anything could happen, we need to keep our children safe", "we can't do that in these litigious times", and "it costs too much".

Schools protect children from scary things like poison ivy and insects, and thus cancel most outdoor learning opportunities. Schools forbid teaching from having plants, animals (of all kinds) and soil in the classroom. Schools reinforce cultural fears of the natural world by forbidding any food that was not processed and wrapped in an industrial setting.   Let's send the little tykes off to school wrapped in bubble wrap and, for Pete's sake, don't let them run at recess - they could skin a knee!

Dissections are being replaced with virtual frogs... because, of course, all frogs are two-dimensional, color-coded, there is no individual variation in organs, and textures/structures are not relevant.   People are worried about frog rights (there are some relevant points here, but the experience cannot be satisfactorily simulated). People think that kids with dissecting scissors are dangerous (how old does a kid need to be to handle a knife? When did you get one?).

My son learned about how seeds grow into plants by... coloring then cutting out pictures of seeds, sprouts, plants, flowers, fruits, and harvest - then pasting them in order. That, because, I guess planting a seed and watching is too hard?

There are lots of experiences that schools are skipping that go beyond using exploration. And, these reductions take many guises. But, ultimately, like you did - kids learn by getting dirty, getting into something, and sometimes breaking stuff, needing a band-aid, or getting poison ivy. Our kids may be safer... but, they are bored and getting dumber. Fun is not the opposite of learning. Self-directed exploration is more useful than a month of worksheets.

In a few years, perhaps we can expect medical schools to abandon using cadavers in lieu of virtual people.   Forestry agents can look at leaves online.   Teachers can practice in virtual classrooms. Nurses can practice on robotic patients.  Funny? Guess which ones of these are already happening.

The end of a life together

2011-08-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

For anyone that follows Melissa at Suburban Bliss, you have been following a very difficult story lately. Melissa has been struggling with mental illness for quite some time, quite publicly. She is clinically depressed, on and off medication, and dealing with her marriage, family, and a dysfunctional family history. It's all there to read about. What a tough hand to be dealt - bad enough to have the crazy family... but, the ongoing legacy (genetic, environmental, or whatever) of mental illness is obviously making it all more challenging.

Whether or not the public aspect of her struggles (her blog) has made it worse - no one can clearly demonstrate. However, from this vast distance, over the internet... I really feel for her and her family. Everyone is clearly in pain. And, while her husband feels as though he is done with the good fight, and Melissa seems to struggle to figure out what normal is, and their children are in the middle of all of this. We can all take a moment to send our best wishes to all of them that they can sort out their family life in the most positive way for all involved, maintain their health (mental and physical), and learn a new way to get along.

The correct way to do it.

2011-08-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

I took a child to the doctor for wart removal some time ago. The doctor pointed out that there are about a dozen approved treatments to treat warts.

"Which means, of course, that none of them are really good. If there is a really good treatment, it becomes the treatment of choice".

Why aren't there dozens of books out there with the following titles?

A dozen different tools to drive a nail into wood.
Which way do you want to address your envelope?
Different solutions to 2+2.
Which way should you punctuate "I'm"?
How you should sit in a chair.

Right, because pretty much, if I have a nail, a hammer looks like a good tool for the job.

So, when we see hundreds, thousands, or even more titles in a "How to" section - that indicates that there is not just one solution that works for everyone.

Which sections of self-help guides are full of titles?

How to lose weight and stay in shape.
How to be an effective teacher.
How to be an effective learner.
How to be the most effective and loving parent.
How to have a happy and successful marriage.

There are some universal truths. People like to be treated fairly and with respect. People like to connect with other people. People like to feel valued. But, how to do that and achieve your goals will vary depending on the dynamics of the situation.

Suffice it to say, we should all recognize that there is no such thing as one size fits all education, parenting, or marriage.

Get a good workout - for your brain.

2011-08-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

When we go to the gym to get some exercise, we accept that, to get any bang for our exercise buck, we need to feel like we are working hard. You want to break a sweat, maybe feel a little sore later, struggle with the last repetitions in a set, and breathe hard. To make your body stronger and more fit, we accept that we need to work. Hence, we call this process - working out.

Likewise, if you ask too much of a gym workout - you either won't succeed (you can't lift the whole stack without working up to it). Alternatively, you may finish it but be too sore to follow through and go back to the gym the next time.

It seems to me that learning is the same process. So, it shouldn't surprise us that to make gains in learning and understanding new ideas (algebra, for example)... we should feel like we are struggling a little. Wrapping our minds around something new doesn't come easily. So, if you aren't feeling like you are struggling a bit - you probably aren't making gains. Obviously, if you can march through your schoolwork without really paying attention to it - it is too easy and you won't make gains. Similarly, if it is too hard - you won't be able to struggle to the answer - no gains again. Thus, one real key to education seems to be finding the "sweet spot", just the right level of difficulty.

Another key to education, which can be very difficult to develop, is a willingness to struggle. We intuitively want things to come easy and make us feel smart. But, to really figure something out, some degree of struggle seems to be necessary. If we frustrate too easily, we will miss these new insights.

What does handicapped mean?

2011-08-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

My father lives in a retirement community. When asked how he is feeling, he generally answers that he feels good. And, generally, he does. He does, however, have his third new heart valve, shoulders that don't allow him to raise his arms, neuromas that cause pain and numbness below his knees, and a variety of other aches, pains, and challenges. When asked about any of those items - he, like most of the more well-adjusted residents, would answer that "everyone has their issues".

Issues are not restricted to the old-folks home.

Whether it is a bum knee, hearing loss, digestion issues, eyesight degradation, memory loss, attentional deficits, social deficits, dysgraphia, dyslexia, or some other deficit - everyone has their issues. No one is perfect.

I read an inspirational post at freerangekids.com this morning that shows a handicapped boy wheeling himself to camp. The other parents are horrified that this poor child has to wheel himself with his friends down the road to camp. The kid's friends had to get their bikes to keep up with his speed-demon wheeling. Which kids are handicapped? It is the ones that aren't allowed to walk on their own or the ones that are forced to?

Early on in my teaching career, I had a student that was "handicapped". In that I teach field courses with some rigorous physical activities, early in the semester I pulled him aside.

"I see that you have issues with your arm. You look very capable. I just want to let you know that if you are ever asked to do something that is difficult or challenging - just give me a nod, and I will understand. Do you have any specific limitations that I should know about?"

"Nope. I'll be fine."

Boy, was he ever serious. This one-handed boy toted canoes, paddled canoes, pulled nets, went through samples, shoveled, and did everything everyone else did - plus some. What a great kid. This kid hadn't accomplished a lot despite his disability - his disability gave him the fire to accomplish whatever he wanted to. How did he do it? I couldn't even tell you... I saw the kid tote a canoe and paddle it, and I am still not sure how one paddles one-handed. He's an accomplished fisherman too!

High school football? Sure - he played until his father didnt' allow him to - after his good arm was shattered in a particularly rough tackle. I knew him after he'd recovered from his football injury. This kid was a perfectly normal, if motivated, bright, and active young man.

No one ever told this kid what he couldn't do - so, he found a way to do whatever was thrown his way.

If we are defined by our actions rather than our words or our shortcomings... we need to take whichever issues life throws at us, however big or small, and succeed however it takes and however we define it.

What we do when there are no screens to watch.

2011-07-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

We have loads of fun:

We bounce:

We fish:

We learn:

We explore and find stuff:

We laugh:

Why do they seem to miss the screens so much - it is so much fun without them?

Mothering Philosophy

2011-07-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

I was reading about a homeschooling writing curriculum and encountered the writer's mission statement about parenting. It occurs to me that I write, revise, consider, and reflect on my "Teaching Philosophy" at least annually. But, I have never put together a statement of my goals, objectives, methodology, and philosophy of parenting. It that important? I find revisiting my teaching philosophy helps me re-focus my efforts and teach in accordance with my stated goals.

Maybe I should, from time-to-time, revisit my parenting philosophy to re-center myself as a parent?

Here is my ~~first~~ second run... it will change... again .

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My primary goal in parenting is to produce contributing members of society. To meet this goal, the children need to have a strong work ethic, be honest, be compassionate to others and their environment, demonstrate good decision-making and critical thinking skills, have rich intellectual lives, develop positive social skills, and maintain healthy lifestyles.

We meet these goals by both modeling good behavior and by giving them opportunities to develop the habits and skills to make wise choices and develop broad interests. We are loving parents and try to show our love both outwardly and in our words and actions. We provide a nurturing environment, but not at the cost of expecting the children to behave in a caring and compassionate manner toward others and toward their environment. Respecting other people and the natural environment comes with experiencing both and learning to reflect on others' perceptions of the world around them. Exposure to different habitats, organisms, environments, and cultures and reflections on these is part of our conscious experience.

Both of us work outside of the home and regularly share facets of how we strive for excellence in our work and in completing work around the home. We expect them to participate in home maintenance in age-appropriate ways and expect them to contribute, where possible, to our home environment. We communicate with one another respectfully and we share tasks and responsibilities. We are honest with one another and act as a team in our choices, expenses, and rewards.

Both of us are educated and continue to demonstrate our love of learning both in our professional disciplines and in a broad range of other areas as exemplified by our reading choices, asking questions of others, visiting museums and other cultural events. The children are encouraged to participate at age-appropriate events and levels in all disciplines. We encourage reading, model reading of fiction, non-fiction, and news-media and include reading aloud with the children as a part of our daily lives. We also pursue intellectual growth and development in engineering (for example, our participation in Lego League), the arts, and the humanities.

We try to give them age-appropriate opportunities to make their own choices and carry responsibilities. These include encouragint them to own and handle tools, cook, to participate in water sports and outdoor activities independently, solo exploration, and time alone to pursue their interests. In this way, they can develop problem-solving abilities and learn when to seek help and how to do so.

We model healthy choices in our day-to-day lives. We eat conscious of the impact our choices have on our bodies and our environment. We are active in organized sports, fitness activities, and outdoor exploration. We maintain regular schedules for sleep. We maintain a household that both leaves room for ongoing exploration and examination of living things (pets and so on), as well as is relatively tidy and organized.

---

Just in reading this first try - I reflect on things that I do that do not reflect my philosophy as stated (e.g. I shout - sometimes a lot). As expected, deliberately examining my parenting philosophy suggests areas where I wish to improve how I exemplify what I wish to see in them.

Truthfully, though, I am in the classroom for 12 hours a week - all hours for which I am caffeinated and "on". My parenting time isn't always the "best of the best". It will be much harder to live this all of the time than it is to meet my goals in the classroom. My kids get both my best (most "on", most loving, most patient, most interested)... but, they also get my worst (most overtired, most overwrought, most hurried). I get their best and worst as well.

Early onset dementia...

2011-07-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

So, I'm reading a work email on my iPhone and I realize that I'd better call someone to look into this problem. So, while carrying around this email and musing on its implications, I walk around my house looking for (you guessed it) - my iPhone.

Just me?

Um, maybe you should look in your hand?!

To thine own self be true.

2011-06-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

While it is not clear that Polonius meant the same by this phrase as I do here, it is important stuff.

"To thine own self be true."

Polonius may well have meant by this to have your actions consistent with what he considered to be good character - represent yourself well by your actions. Today, we extend this expression to include that one's actions should be consistent with one's ideals, beliefs, and thoughts - that we may know the person by their actions, deeds, and expressions.

This is so important to live. People are happier, more comfortable in their own skins, self-assured, when they behave like the people they are. This is the kind of message that we impart to children (our own, our children's friends, and in my case - also my students).

Our children should let their actions and words reflect themselves - and the best of themselves. This can be a self-check to insure that they are keeping their thoughts, minds, and deeds healthy and compassionate. If you wouldn't say it or do it in front of your grandmother - you shouldn't say it or do it.

We need, however, to be aware of what this expression means to a broad diversity of people.

I attended a meeting last week... there was a young man there who was worried. He was moving to a foreign country and he was worried about how he would be perceived. What if he wanted to date someone local, would it be legal? Could he just be himself there? Would he need to worry about being arrested? Should he lie about who he is?

As a married, middle-aged mom - I don't have tothink about this; I can give my husband a kiss in public, hold hands, and share an intimate moment on date night. But, in our ultra-religious community, if I were gay - whether I could express myself safely would be a constant theme in my life. To whom can I be honest without worrying about repercussions for myself, my children, my partner, my job...

We need, as compassionate people, to find a way to let people be true to their own selves. As long as everyone involved in any relationship is consenting (and able to consent) - no one else need worry or even think about what dynamics are involved.

If you never have - attend a PFLAG meeting, it may open your eyes.

http://community.pflag.org/

Ugly and counterproductive.

2011-06-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

At one of my favorite blogs today, there is a battle going on. It is the same old story - mommy wars.

In this case, it has to do with premarital sex and who has the goods on the right way to prevent it, deal with it, or educate children. This is the same old thing though... people trying to make themselves feel better by belittling others. It is as though we never grew past the "mean girl" stage in middle school.

Did you breastfeed your kids?
In public?
No, really, did you exclusively nurse for long enough?
Did your child lead weaning?
Did you cut them off when nursing wasn't appropriate anymore?
Do you feed them right?
You didn't give solids too soon, did you?
You don't give them junk food? Or (gasp) soda?
Did you work out of the house?
Are you setting the example that moms should be separated from their children?
Are you able to be nurturing when you are away all day?
Did you stay home?
Are you sending the wrong message about the capabilities of women?
Do you hover too much?
Are you there enough?
Do your kids get dirty?
Don't you let them play outside?
Do you take them to a house of worship?
Is it the right one?
If not, how will they know right from wrong?
Did you homeschool?
How will they ever be socialized?
Do they go to public school?
How will they ever learn the right stuff?
Do they go to private school?
Isn't that elitist?

Is is just possible that there is more than one way to raise children and have it work out?

How about we just try to support one another?

Math phobia - it's contagious.

2011-06-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a lot recently about how much much we lack in math. "Math skills are lacking". "Kids hate math". "Math curricula flawed". "U.S. behind in math and science training". I attribute no small part of that to the teachers themselves. I am not implicating the curricula (which definitely lack). I am not blaming the children. It isn't just that parents have trouble helping in new (new, new, newer) [name your mathematics teaching revolution here] math. I think that we need to start with the teachers.

I didn't just decide to vilify other teachers overnight. This notion has grown over a decade of observing teachers. I've watched lots of teachers... daycare teachers, elementary education teachers, elementary education counselors, high school teachers, other college professors, and teachers of teachers (college education professors). Over and over, I see the same behavior, hear the same concerns, and when students here these words over and over - they learn that this approach is acceptable, normal, and correct.

"I hate math". "I can't do math". "When I heard that there was math involved, I quit". "Math is too hard for me". This is what I keep hearing teachers say. Sometimes, I have heard this in front of students. Sometimes, it is just the attitude that they carry into the classroom.

If kids hear that math is scary, bad, difficult, and not worthy of working hard to learn - what do you suppose that they learn?

At a recent teaching conference, for college professors, a math professor used a mathematical concept as the grist for examining a new teaching method. They chose an easy topic, so that we could focus on how the method works. The concept that we covered (just as grist for exploring a teaching method), was learning the characteristics of the following quadrilaterals: rhombus, parallelogram, square, rectangle, and trapezoid. I was gobsmacked - the math fear evoked by learning (oooooh) SHAPES had some college professors ready to walk out. Other college professors laughed in their seats that, "I don't do math", and they listened, but didn't participate.

If a generation of college professors finds it amusing, acceptable, and even funny that they can't describe four-sided shapes - no wonder our math teaching is going to hell in a handbasket.

Folks - I get it, you found math intimidating. But, as teachers, you have a responsibility to approach learning as fun exercise. You will never find me telling my students that I don't do english, I don't do writing, I don't do art, music, or whatever. I certainly recognize my weaknesses - but, like fine music - even if I can't make it - I should be able to appreciate it when I hear it.

There is no replacement for experience.

2011-05-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

I just spent all weekend at a teaching conference. The entire weekend focused on meeting our educational goals and objectives as teachers. How can we best approach facilitate learning? What can we do to enhance our connection with students and their connection with the material?

The same keywords continue to surface: active learning, group collaboration, kinesthetic learning, repetition, seeing different perspectives of the same thing, interactive learning, and using multiple modalities.

This morning, while looking for other information on pedagogy, I encountered yet another website that proposes that online (simulated) dissection is better than the real deal (sponsored by, who else, PETA). They provide no evidence to support this contention. I would freely support these amazing virtual experiences as support for the real thing. But, the virtual experience does not replace the real thing. Two-dimensions cannot convey the same information as three. Online, you can't see texture. Online, you can't move things aside, examine connections, feel internal structures, or change your angle. The online versions don't show individual variation. In a lab, students can wander around and see differences between individuals corresponding to sex, size, age, and just individual quirks. All of the aspects that the virtual experience misses are informative to understanding morphology, function, development, and cementing the names of the structures in your memory.

Real dissections are multi-modal, active learning, collaborative, student-directed, kinesthetic, three-dimensional, active, and more real, applied, and relevant.

If something is worth doing - it is worth doing right.

That said, I have offered students with objections the opportunity to use virtual dissection as an alternative. I am ok with someone that has real objections not compromising their beliefs. I can say from my teaching experience, assessment, and student performance that this tool is not as effective by itself as the real deal. This has to be a choice students make.

Like all tools, we need to use dissection wisely and where we will get the most learning opportunies. When I teach about a forest - I go outside rather than watch a movie about one. From a teaching and learning perspective, this is the same thing.

Losing ourselves in connectivity

2011-05-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

I am on a kick now, reading books about nature. Specifically, I have been reading books about man's connection to nature.

We spend so much of our time talking about connections. Connections via phone, email, facebook, skype, and other electronic forms. Connecting to distant other beings that we can communicate with remotely - in our own time, responding at our leisure, and being friends at a distance. We talk about our connections to electricity, electronic media, newspapers, radio, television, and the internet.

We need to spend more time on connections. But not the ones I've already mentioned. We need to spend more time connecting with people we care about. These connections have to occur with the phone turned off, the email disconnected, and not whilst multi-tasking. The people we care for deserve to have some of our real time - without distraction. I spend much of my time carrying people here and there, fixing dinner while helping with homework, working while chatting, eating while perusing facebook, and folding clothes while nagging the kids to put their shoes away. The people we care for (spouses, children, friends, as well as co-workers, students, and acquaintances) deserve to have us really listen when they speak.

We also need to spend more time connecting to the natural world. As a field biologist, of course I consider this a crucial element of life. But, as I read more of the literature on how our exposure to the natural world informs our lifestyle, choices, mental and physical health, and relationships - it reinforces that it is worthwhile to drop everything and spend some time outside - in green space. That is, where the bugs, frogs, birds, grass, flowers, trees, and wild things are. Where the wind blows your hair and you need sunscreen. Connecting with nature grounds us, calms us, and reminds us of what is important and what we can let go. Connecting with nature enhances all of our well-being.

We can take this one step further. We need to go outside with the people we care about (leave the electronics behind). You want your sulky teen to speak with you? Take him or her fishing. It is quiet. You aren't stuck staring at each other grasping for words. The whole pace of your interaction slows down and conversation can flow to what needs to be said. Even more important, the calm and the occupation with fishing (and not confronting one another) can allow us to hear and what we need to and allow us to withhold a response if it won't help. If you've ever been a teenager, you might recall that sometimes parents need to hear about our children and reserve judgment.

If you are fishing, the conversation ebbs and flows around where the fish are active and fits easily around your activity. The self-consciousnes of bringing up embarassing or sensitive topics eases when you are fitting a conversation around the birds, fish, and flow of the water. Nervous around someone? You can't stay that way while you float around a pond or wander through a forest.

Sometimes, it isn't other people that we need to connect with. Feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or down? Take yourself outside. Take a fishing rod, a kayak, a sketchbook, a journal, your lunch, or nothing at all. Take a vigorous hike, an aggressive paddle, an intense fishing trip, a gentle walk, or plop yourself down somewhere. Take in your surroundings. Listen. Sniff the breeze. Shake your hair out. Take it easy on yourself by soaking up the world around you and reserving judgment for some other time.

Mental health, physical health, environmental health - it's out there. You just need to slow down a bit and it will come to you.

No fun allowed, this is school.

2011-05-14T12:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had the supreme pleasure of helping teach my son's second grade class at our college's field station. I got to teach about macroinvertebrates. This basically means mucking about in a stream, collecting bugs, and playing in mud. Ahem, while talking about stream flow, habitats, stream health (pollution, contaminants, and nutrient spiralling), and about types of macroinvertebrates and the ecological roles they play.

The kids were so excited and loved to be told to "get your hands in there, you're here to get muddy". My son's teacher, as always, scolded kids that got too excited to wait their turn, yelled at the kids that couldn't wait for an invitation and stepped (in their boots) into the stream), and looked generally aggravated. After a few moments, I gently reminded her that she could relax today - this is my classroom. And she did.

But, when the kids were all actively engaged in digging through the net and I stood back for a moment - she leaned over and said - "you know, they're all just having fun now". Apparently, she viewed that as a bad thing. She viewed having fun as being mutually exclusive from learning. She didn't see that by tying their activities back to the opening lesson - tying the message back to the mud-picking (that was giggle inducing)... they could learn and have fun.

And, that, my friends is one of the problems with education today. Learning is fun for kids until they learn it isn't. Kids are like little sponges that love to learn - until we make the process drudgery. Is it always fun? No. But, we can balance the rote exercises with active learning (and mud) to keep more kids engaged.

This, by the way, is the same teacher that blanched when I picked up a spider to share, and goggled as I taught a child how to pick up a crayfish - because I told the kid how to do it. I had the confidence that this seven-year-old could do it. Then, I told the kid that "you can't whine if you get pinched, though, you're picking it up, it's not like it's chasing you". The kid picked up the crayfish (properly), and smiled broadly enough to light up the day. That is a lesson the kid will remember.

The other fun thing - while one day soon, my son will realize that I am old (and by defintion, then) uncool. For one day, my son and his friends thought that I am the coolest mom around, with the coolest job. Even some of the other parents said so.

I like people, really I do.

2011-05-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

But, I find too much time, with too many people, overwhelming. I need time alone to recharge. This is, of course, because I am an introvert. This doesn't mean that I dislike being social (I love being around friends). But, time spend with lots of people needs to be balanced with time to recharge.

Further, although I like the idea of going to a large party... in practice, I find that I feel lost in large social settings. I get overwhelmed and have a difficult time following conversation. My favorite party would be a gathering of four to eight people where we can talk and chat. This is why I love to invite a handful of folks over at a time to shoot pool. We are lousy pool players, but with the distraction of the pool game to follow and a not-overwhelming number of people - I can really have a terrific time.

Similarly, I found a perfect job for my predisposition. As a college professor, I spend 12 hours a week in a classroom, enjoying interacting with students (and, I really enjoy it). But, I enjoy it because I spend most of the rest of my time in my office. In my office, I am either alone or working with one or two people at a time - just right for me. At other times that I can choose, I can socialize with my colleagues over lunch or in the hall, and then return to my office to recharge.

I've always been this way - navigating public school as a child was horrific. If I hadn't been a bit of an outcast already, my inability to cope with the constant flow of people (from a crowded classroom, through crowded, chaotic halls to the next classroom) would have made me one. About 25% of people identify themselves as introverts. This really just means that they find time with people tiring and time alone revitalizing. Imagine, you extroverts out there, how you'd feel if a mandatory part of your upbringing required you to be by yourself in a room for six straight hours every day? Yeah, I thought so.

This is one of many ways that public education fails children. I would surmise (speculation only) that many (if not most) of the 25% of our population that identifies themselves as introverts find the straight six hours of public school exhausting. Like my oldest son, when he was in public school (and me, as a child) - many children get off the schoolbus at the end of the day completely wiped out. Z used to get off the bus to spend the next forty-five minutes in the bathroom. He didn't need the bathroom - he needed a quiet and private place to decompress.

This is one way that homeschooling can accomodate needs that the public school cannot. Z is happy and outgoing when he sees people now. As he no longer faces a barrage of people all day long; when he has time to socialize, he is eager to do so. He can choose to spend times with appropriately sized groups of people (generally small). He can spend time with the people that make him feel better about himself and avoid trying to navigate the complex and strange social world that we call public school. He is happier and does better with his friends in doses than he did when in a classroom all day, every day.

Some might say that lack of socialization is a problem for homeschooled kids. Bah. If the social experiences in school mimicked adult life - that would be a scary thing. In adult life, if you choose your profession well - mean girls, bullies, playground antics, and sophomoric put-downs are not part of being appropriately socialized. Part of the problem with those that believe this myth of homeschool is that teachers and psychologists, therapists and school administrators are almost exclusively extroverted and have a difficult time understanding the challenges that schools present to introverts. Further, they think that all introverts are shy - we are not. All introverts find socializing tiring - but we socialize in different ways: some by trying to control social situations, some by chatting incessantly, some by silence, some by sneering... we are all different. I only wish that I could return to my awkward kid self and reinforce that being introverted and enjoying your own company is perfectly ok. While being popular is commonly expressed as a suitable goal - would make you unhappy. Popularity is partly characterized by (hello, duh) being around other people most of the time, often in large groups.

I will take this one step further and suggest that, at the very least, while it is unrealistic to expect schools to provide private time to introverted kids - they could reinforce that it is ok, normal, and provide some better coping mechanisms for children that don't understand why school leaves them mentally exhausted. If you got here because you need this kind of reassurance - you're ok. There are jobs out there for you that can balance your (everyone's) need for social interaction with time to yourself. There are romantic partners that also can balance your need for companionship and understand your need to have time to yourself.

There are resources that understand you - here is just one, there are many more: http://introvertzone.com/

Where are the paragraphs?

2011-04-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

The last several posts were edited, complete with paragraphing. In all cases, the post showed up sans paragraphing (I added it back in, for those that have paragraphs). What gives?

Asking questions

2011-04-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

Z has now been homeschooling for almost all of one academic year. So, what's my grade? I have been really good at exposing him at new material. Which, really means, that he has been good at it. He loves to learn and readily soaks up information. He is particularly enamored with science, math, and fantasy fiction. In science, he asks questions I can't answer. The cool thing is that I work in a building full of science professors, so if I can't answer it, someone else can (if there is an answer). In math, we had a rough start, but were able to end the formal academic year where we needed to be. We made a lot of concessions along the way in how he does the work. Lots of repetition - no. Lots of problems - no. Lots of new material - yes. Practical applications - yes. But, ultimately, he enjoys problem-solving. Reading - he would read a VCR manual if he were stuck in a room with one. He reads easily and very fast. His retention is good (kind of scary sometimes when he drops little factoids he picked up here or there). Music - We aren't great shakes here, but he takes piano lessons every week and practices some. So, he is learning about music. Where I need improvement - history, geography, and art. History - I feed him history books and take him to historical places. But, the books generally don't really light him up. He soaks up the places we visit. Geography - I bought a "really fun" geography curriculum - yeah, not so much. Art - I sporadically point him in the direction of art materials (and, I've spent a boatload on stuff). But, I am not real strong in ideas about directed art. We stunk it up this year in writing. Writing is his biggest challenge. Physically putting pencil to paper is hard for him. It is also hard for him to capture his ideas quickly enough before they get garbled. So, he is generally frustrated before he begins. We are working on his keyboard skills - as I finally felt comfortable writing when I could comfortably type. We are working on small chunks. We work on my helping him organize ideas, then he makes sentences of them. But, frankly, he is behind in his writing skills. His vocabularly, spelling, and use of words is fine. His ability to express himself on paper, though, is nearly nil. I suspect that some of this will come easier if I let him grow into himself a little. Or, maybe I am just letting him slip further? It is hard to say. Overall, though, I still want to homeschool next year (he does too). Maybe I'll start to figure him out by then. That is my hope.

Choosing kids for my class.

2011-04-07T07:20:00.001-07:00

My kids participate in martial arts training. They work out very hard. They are always expected to do their best and try harder. Sometimes they spar and sometimes they get hurt. I think that this is good, but not because I like fighting. Life is full of bumps and bruises and if you can't learn to get up and dust yourself off, you are going to have a hard time. Mostly, these lessons are a lot of vigorous exercise with a bunch of life lessons interspersed.

When someone is having a bad day, they are told to regain their focus and let it go during the class - just like you have to in life when your dog just died and you still need to go to work.
When someone is discouraged because something comes easier to other people; they are told to look straight ahead. "You are only competing against your previous best".
They are reminded that rocking out the stuff that comes easy to you doesn't test their mettle nearly as much as trying their best at the stuff that comes hardest to them.
They find that, whatever it is that you are learning, it will come easier to some people than to others. If it is harder for you - you just have to put in the extra effort.
They find that sometimes the right move, done perfectly, doesn't have the intended consequence. You just have to figure it out from there.
There is no shortcut around putting in the time and effort.

After a frustrating day of teaching a bunch of distracted kids, the instructor said that his ideal would be to have try-outs and only accept the students that met his ideal of effort and intensity training and showed promise. And, if that ever happened, his school would not be the same place it is now. Ultimately, I think that he would regret it. If he were able to do that... his school would turn out perfectly conditioned and phenomenal fighters. There is no question that his team would be amazing. But, he wouldn't be changing lives anymore.

Here are the kids that need this Sensei the most:

The boy that doesn't believe that he can succeed.
The girl that doesn't know how to carry herself in social setttings.
The boy that doesn't participate in sports because he isn't confident in his abilities.
The girl that doesn't like her body.
The boy that doesn't know what to do when someone picks on him.
The girl that doesn't believe she can succeed in something if she doesn't get it the first time.
The boy that doesn't connect with his friends except through videogames.
All of the kids that are easily distracted, unsure of themselves, don't believe in their own power to make decisions, don't value their personal achievements, measure only their failures, and find it hard to value themselves.

I have seen children like these attend this class and slowly find their way to stand up taller. They cry less when they are sparring. They sometimes (even if it isn't always) dust themselves off and fight back when sparring. They find that with time they can do things they thought impossible. They learn that leverage is more important than brute strength (and, if that isn't a metaphor for life, I don't know what is). They find that hard work sometimes does pay off, and they might learn to value themselves.

As a teacher myself, it is really easy sometimes (especially on a frustrating day) to gravitate toward wanting to teach the "A" students. They are receptive, positive, and they get it. But, they would have learned it if a monkey taught them. They might like me and be responsive - but, they don't need me. The kids that need me are the ones whose lives I might change. They can be frustrating. They can be difficult. They can make you stay awake at night - wishing that you teach only the best-of-the-best. But, when you teach the students that need you most, sometimes one of them becomes something that they didn't believe they could. My son will probably never be a top-notch black belt. (But, who knows, anything is possible with enough grit, and he is learning to find that.) What he is learning is to believe in himself. If you truly believe in teaching, you aren't in it to make more people just like you; you are in it to make more people that find the worth in themselves. Whatever that worth is.

Really? I have a blog. How'd that happen?

2011-04-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

What a pitiful fuck up. No, really. In my mind I regularly write clever and pithy things to post. But, that's purely theoretical. I suck at applied science (and applied blogging, apparently). I partly blame my homeschooling son. He spends a large portion of his workday (and mine) staring over my shoulder at every word I type and read. So, I actually feel compelled to work when I am at work. Sucks, doesn't it? And, on the topic of homeschooling... field trip today, yippee! So, instead of being ultra-productive... I am catching up on the old blogs and, oh yeah, I had one of those too! Oh, the other person to blame. Yeah, that's me. Here, I am. Just as pathetic as ever. But, saying hello nonetheless. Another field trip tomorrow, maybe more then?

Must work on this cloning thing...

2010-11-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't posted anything in months. This is not for lack of content. Over and over things happen that I think - wow, that might be interesting to write about and reflect on later. Things like, my youngest's first year in soccer and his embarassingly terrific team, or the way he gets so excited when the ball comes to him, he forgets to kick it. Things like this whole homeschooling odyssey: the good - moments of wonder and excitement, the bad - hours of playing the rubber pencil game, and the ugly - mostly my temper in the aforementioned moments. Things like B's amazing soccer exploits and his growing ability to achieve academically. Other things like karate, T's awesome new teacher, the science and technology festival on the national mall, and Lego league.

But, start adding this stuff up, man - no wonder I'm so tired. Between the stress of waiting for a personnel thing, and dealing with obstreporous colleagues as program chair, while homeschooling in the back of my office, and keeping that down low while I teach over 100 college students... between getting two kids to piano, keeping an after-school babysitter here (most days, meeting the bus when not), getting a kid to karate three nights a week, another two soccer two, and a third to soccer one, and soccer games Saturday... between getting a kid to Lego team three days a week, reading to the second grade class sometimes, helping with second grade homework, and helping the other kid through his Lego project stuff, and grading college papers... between doing laundry (sometimes), folding mountains of it (rarely), and remembering to feed the kids... between ordering Halloween costumes, dressing kids up, and remembering to feed the dog... at the moment - there just isn't that much left. And, that may explain (partly) why I've put on some weight and hardly ever find time to exercise (and while I generally consider exercise a priority - I am just tapped out).

Don't take this as a statement that I am busier than everyone - frankly, everyone I know is just too damn busy.

I also recognize that I am pretty fortunate. We both have jobs we enjoy, our kids are mostly healthy, we are mostly healthy, and we live in a house we love. Dh is helpful - I am not doing it all alone.

Sorry, there wasn't a point here, just an explanation with a bit of a groan.

Avoiding Boredom and Obsession

2010-08-30T09:16:00.001-07:00

So, Z is finding that the days can be long when you aren't shuffling to and from different rooms and juggling which notebooks and books go where when. Also, when you aren't doing worksheets, there is a lot more free time.

What happens with all of this time? Well, Z is definitely more engaged with the family and me in particular. Z is also a little aimless during the day. I believe that we call this "deschooling" and it is a little hard to watch. The goal, from what I gather, is to let boredom guide his choices in finding ways to learn that engage him.

We are walking a tightrope a little though. When he has too much idle time, he sometimes obsesses about weird things and I don't want that to become a habit. We are seeing more fears about random things than usual, and I don't want to give him time to consider fearing random things (usually environmental exposures) to become normal. For example, he took a sip from the fountain this morning and realized it smelled like cleaning chemicals... so, of course he freaked out that he'd been poisoned.

I am trying to help him find things to do such that he doesn't have time to obsess, but not assign random things to do. He (I believe) needs to find his own way here to learn to engage in his own learning. At least, that is my philosophy at this very second.

Finding passion.

2010-08-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

So far, Z spends a fair bit of time in my back office with the door closed. I can hear lego's and other toys back there. I can hear him talking to himself and reading. He still isn't doing much writing - but he seems to be learning a bunch (nothing specific - some wiring, some gee whiz, a little of this and that).

Writing something every day is going to be challenge. All week, he has not done that voluntarily. Nor has he put his best effort in. I don't really have currency to dangle except pride in his work.

Maybe this is the issue. One of my bigger emerging goals this year is for Z to discover passion. In karate, his instructor keeps asking me "Does he like this? He seems to be just phoning it in". But, Z claims to love karate, despite looking like he is barely there. The only place he actually seems enthusiastic is when draped over something reading, or when playing Wii or other video/computer games. But that is not really engaged in the world.

Z needs to find something that can inspire him, get him engaged with the outside world, fire him up. He needs to learn to show enthusiasm. If he loves something - people should know it.

Our start: Homeschool

2010-08-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well, we went to my office on Sunday to set it up for him. Z set up his beanbag chair, lapdesk, notebooks, history wall chart, and other paraphernalia. He was so eager to get started, he sat right down with a notebook and started writing a story - like, actually writing... without a cattle prod up his butt. Ok, only two short sentences, but - hey!

On Monday we had the FIRST DAY OF HOMESCHOOL. I feel kind of awkward there, it is known, but not widely, that I am homeschooling Z at my office. At any rate, I took him to the library and got him into the system so that he can borrow books without me. He borrowed a science book about experiments for kids proposed by Thomas Edison. Then, he pored through the entire book through the day - discussing serial and paralell circuitry, constructing batteris out of lemons, and making candy. Then, he felt like he hadn't done any "school" so he found someone (Heron or Hero of Hellenistic Greece) and studied this mechanical/mathematical genius for awhile. We struggled over his one real "assignment" - writing - but, he got there by adding to paltry sentences to his story from the previous day. When asked what school he did, he said "none". But when asked what he learned, he talked our ears off. Interesting that he didn't equate any of his reading or discussion to "school".

Tuesday, B was home sick from school. So, I had to work from home with two boys - one sick and out-of-sorts, and one that is supposed to be homeschooling. First, I gave them pliers, wire strippers/clippers, a battery, and a lightbulb to work out some of the experiments he'd read about. They bickered and moaned (too may chiefs, not enough indians). I tried to help for awhile... I put on my black-and-white stripes for awhile and got terribly frustrated trying to simultaneously work and referee... finally, I went to J's office downstairs, shut the door, and told them only to bother me if the house was on fire or someone was bleeding. Now, it is basically bedtime and Z is finally at the table supposed to be writing, but is completely distracted by a costume catalog that came in the mail today - I shall take it in a moment if he can't get it together on his own.

So, the sum of our experiences, I was pleased to see Z engaged with real people and nonfiction for brief bits. I saw a lot more completely distracted crazy behavior today while jockeying with his brother. But, without the stress of a traditional school, I see a lot more of the Z that I have always known and loved. I have to stay patient with Z's relentless questions (if only to point out that I am busy and will look later) in that he is schooling where I work - and I really have to work. On the other hand, even putting him off, I probably give him more attention than any teacher has been able to. We are kind of "de-schooling" now - figuring out the difference between School (capital S) and learning (which is what homeschool, to me, is all about). Finally, this child clearly loves the learning part dearly. He hates writing and has to learn to start projects like that that he hates (hence, my one requirement - write something, anything, every day).

While some day it will be possible, if only the kid could voice to paper somehow - he can talk through the most amazing ideas, but is completely stymied about putting them on paper. I can relate and went through the same thing until I learned to touch-type (another goal this year for Z). One small segment of our discussion was a verbal "essay" on how the printed book is dying and how sad it is for books that are out-of-press and what electronic books may mean to changing the style of how people read and hence, perhaps, changes in the complexity or degree of challenge that we might expect in our reading in the future. How sad, my nine-year-old thinks if the type of complex, braided storylines that he so loves won't be cherished by a less-patient electronic readership. What a cool nine-year-old to worry about such things. I sure do love this kid.

Free range, but supervised.

2010-07-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

Other parents often look at our free range parenting aghast at the freedoms and responsibilities we give our three sons. They have been at liberty to be home alone (for short periods of time) starting at age seven. They are allowed to walk to and from the park alone. We allow them out of our sight on hiking and biking trails. Our seven-year-old cooked us a lovely breakfast on Sunday morning. Our youngest has been kayaking solo since age three. We are pleased of the responsibility that they are learning and at their pride in their own achievement.

The one seeming exception to our free range philosophy is how we supervise children around water. We live on a pond. Ponds do not come with pool safety features such as fences or alarms. In our case, there is a big wall that drops into deep water just off of our lawn. We vacation at a lake and at the ocean. We go to the pool at least once a week. We are avid boaters, fishermen, and snorkelers. Finally, my work as a biology professor regularly takes us to boats and the ocean for marine biology and coral reef biology. We are always around water.

We supervise them more carefully at the water than in any other circumstance. It isn't that they are uncomfortable in the water. They have been taken into the pool regularly since twelve weeks of age, and have had formal lessons as long as they've been old enough to participate. All three of our children are strong swimmers for their ages. However, even when they play in shallow water, we watch them.

We formally pass responsibility, "I am going inside, you are watching them now". Too many children have drowned in front of adults that didn't realize that they were responsible for counting heads at that moment. This is what famously (and tragically) happened at a children's party hosted by the rock star Tommy Lee. At least a dozen adults were standing around the pool as the child drowned, and an adult trained in rescue breathing (which I also recommend) might have changed the outcome in that situation. We watch while we hear them playing, but when they get quiet - we immediately count heads.

We demand that they wear vests (PFDs or personal flotation devices). We model that behavior as well. They wear life vests when in a boat (even in our rowboat, on our little pond, with us in the boat). This has paid off as at least three separate times we've had to pluck a chilly, wet child from the pond. Before any child takes out a boat; they have to repeat after us that if anything happens - they are more important than stuff - if the boat capsizes, save yourself and we will worry about the boat and gear later. They wear vests when swimming in deep water when we aren't swimming with them. Our weaker swimmers still wear them in deeper water when we are present. When we snorkel, they wear inflatable snorkeling vests. We have over a dozen life vests of various sizes so any visitor can play safely.

I am not only cautious with young children. I pay just as much attention to water safety with my college students. I ascertain people's water skills early. I have adult snorkeling vests available for all students that need them. I demand that my students use the buddy system and stay with and watch their buddies. I count heads so often that literally, after the last trip, I woke up for three days after the trip trying to count my students in my sleep. I have had to rescue one student and am tremendously grateful that she only had a brief scare.

So, why is this free range mama so paranoid about water? First, as explained by a Coast Guard Search and Rescue diver, drowning doesn't look like drowning (http://mariovittone.com/2010/05/154/). Second, tragedy can happen in an instant. Third, water currents are deceptively strong and unpredictable and once a swimmer is in a current - he or she can easily lose control and in worst cases be held by an underwater obstacle (kayakers call these deadly obstacles "strainers"). Finally, even strong swimmers can easily panic when the unexpected occurs (rip currents, jellyfish, surprise dunking by a wave or a friend, a tangle with seaweed or other wildlife, illness, or fatigue). Not relevant to children (I hope), but it is worth remembering that these dangers are exacerbated when alcohol is involved.

I love water. I love fishing in it, boating on it, swimming in it, watching it, and listening to it. But I also respect it. So have free range water bugs like we do. Go ahead, have your children learn to swim in pools, lakes, rivers, and oceans for fun and fitness. Let them play with wildlife and go fishing at the shore - this is gee-whiz biology at its best. Have them learn to handle boats of all kinds (ours use sailboats, rowboats, canoes, and kayaks) - it is terrific exercise in using judgement, physical skills, navigation, and physics.

But, as you do enjoy the water, be ever mindful of water safety and keep current in your CPR skills. Drowning is the number two cause of death by unintentional injury in children under 15 (after vehicular accidents). It doesn't take much water to be dangerous, many of the child drowning victims succombed to the water in a bucket or bathtub. No alarm or fence can replace good old-fashioned supervision.

BFF

2010-06-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

The New York Times had an article a few days ago on how schools are actively dissuading children from having "best friends". It is far better, according to the schools, to have bunches of people that you play with equally.

Isn't that just a grand idea for extroverts that like to interact with lots of kids at once?

Is this just another way that they are actively discriminating against the 25% of the population that is introverted?

Introverts, generally, prefer one-on-one interactions with a few close friends and can be overwhelmed by large group interactions. Ask me how I know.

Body Image

2010-06-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else shocked when they see photos of themselves?

I don't notice it as much in mirrors, but when I see a photo of my family... I am always caught off-guard. I gaze at the kids and how cute they are, then I am struck - "Who is the chunky middle-aged woman with my kids? - OH MY GOSH!!"

While on the outside, I am middle-aged and a bit overweight... on the inside, I still imagine the thirty-year-old image of a thin, athletic woman. It is just so incongruous.

I just covered the gray for the first time yesterday. I am still feeling out what I think of resorting to such extremes.

and, that would be check-mate

2010-06-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

As I've already bragged, B is quite the young chess player. So, in the interest of keeping everyone intellectually alive around here - I have taken up the game.

Z won't play with me (he likes the idea of playing, but not the implementation).

I won't play with J - I am a bit too old to feel comfortable with my husband spotting me pieces at the start of the game, and he is simply too good at spatial relations for me to take. That said, he isn't fond of playing scrabble with me either (I clean his clock there).

But, I'll play with B. The sad thing is that we play about even right now. While I will improve as I can visualize how the pieces move more effectively, I may only get a year of chess play in before I am completely outclassed by him.

We've played about eight games now. He's beaten me in seven. I took him by check-mate once.

I've never enjoyed losing more, even though I am really trying to win.

Another reason

2010-06-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

I promise I'll get to the point, but we have to meander a bit before I can get there. Sorry, it's how my brain works. I realize that this doesn't really fit with the usual "assignment" and, I'll probably lose style points for failure to be organized. Ok, but at least it isn't a late assignment (oh, it is? nevermind).

Last night J and I went to a big benefit for a local organization. We like the organization and are happy to contribute. We like loads of the people involved. I was genuinely looking forward to going. But, as we walked over, we were discussing how we were kind of tired and steeling ourselves to go. We were gathering the energy to participate and communally trying to see how it would play out. We sat, as it turns out, with two lovely couples and had a really enjoyablely time. So, why so reticent?

We are both introverts. 75% of the population might consider this too much to understand - that a night of partying in a crowd looks, from the outset, exhausting and stressful. That, hanging out with a lot of people (even people we genuinely enjoy) is tiring. Most folks would find it odd that we love a quiet evening of just chatting on our porch with no extraneous music or noise or that I can sit in a silent home (or office) for 10 hours straight and the time just slips away.

I remember coming home from school exhausted and disappearing in the woods or to my room for hours. The constant barrage of people (not all nice and not all friends) in school wore me completely out. Add to that the stress of paying attention, getting the right stuff from here to there, and dealing with being a kid - wow, did I ever hate school.

Am I surprised, then, that Z disappears to the bathroom for 45 minutes the second he steps off of the bus? Z can disappear in a book or somewhere for hours and not be heard from at all. Z is also introverted. It is readily apparent from his behavior that large groups are as confusing to him as they are to me (less so to J, who simply prefers solitude, but doesn't share my uneasiness).

Why is it, exactly, that we think putting all children (introvert and extrovert alike) in one room with twenty other loud kids (sometimes the players switching constantly throughout the day) for six hours straight and expect them to perform well there? Will any introverts select careers where they'll spend all day jostling in space with a bunch of other people? Do they need social training to deal with that barrage on the senses?

Maybe there should be little spaces that introverts can carve out as their own? They could decorate their little spaces and visit one another (in controlled amounts) to practice the kind of one-on-one friendships that they will foster as adults. They can recharge their minds and bodies with some solitude intermixed with cognitive exploration.

Hey, I have an idea - they can do that at home - ok?

We could call it homeschool. Gosh, wish I'd thought of that.

And, I really wish I'd thought of that when I was a kid.

Homeschool it is.

2010-06-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

The "ayes" have it. We have really concluded that I can't screw things up any worse than the school already is, and at least maybe he'll feel better about himself.

The positives:

He can pursue things that interest him.
He loves to read, but will have the autonomy to choose his own readings (with the caveat that he must represent several genres).
No more writing repetitive chapter summaries for 30 chapter books just for the teacher to check whether he has read. (this is gifted curriculum?!)
He will practice writing something, anything every day (this may be our major homeschool battle). But, perhaps he will learn not to fear the "blank page".
His psyche can only improve if no one is beating him down about his failure to achieve constantly.
He will get one-on-one playdates regularly (where he is comfortable, happy, and has good friends) and spend less time in large groups of kids where he is less comfortable and less accepted.
He feels strongly that he wants a good education, but he will be empowered to take some responsibility there.
No worksheets!!! (unless he chooses them)
We may recover the charming son that we have lost to stress and being overwhelmed by the system.

The negatives:

Will he lay on the floor all day, rolling around and playing with plastic people; or is that just how he "de-stresses" at the end of a hard day at elementary school. That is, sometimes that is fine - but, will he do it all of the time?
Can I keep him off of the computer/Wii/tv? (Screen time is really deleterious to him).
Lots of time with a child kicking around my office (I so hope that he won't be disruptive, distracting, or difficult - although these characteristics would be unusual for him).
Will he become too reclusive? Or, will it be refreshing for my little introvert to not be forced into large groups six hours a day?
Not too much room for homeschool networking - I work full-time.
Will he be able to adjust to "real" school when he returns? Will he even want to?

SOL

2010-05-24T05:52:00.001-07:00

Someone in the Commonwealth of Virginia has a sense of humor. Our state educational standards are refered to as the Virginia Standards of Learning, or the SOLs.

Last week was the big week in Z's school. They spent four days of last week taking standardized, multiple-choice test to determine whether or not the school met the state standards. Poor Z was completely tied in knots over the tests. We tried to explain that these tests don't evaluate Z, but rather evaluate the school.

The school has been building up the children's anxiety over these tests for about a month. They have done practice tests. They have done practice scenarios. They've sent home study materials. They've sent home a study CD-ROM. They've sent home big, fat textbooks. While I understand the school's anxiety over their rating - I can't understand a system where it is okay to make a nine-year-old freaked out about bubbling in some circles.

We are creating a society of anxiety-ridden bubble fillers, rather than creative thinkers. If we need anything, we need a system that values creative, bright kids. Maybe its time we scrap it all, start with some innovative teachers and try again?

I'm going to do that next year. Z is the most innovative person I know. And, who knows better what lights his fire for learning? Z is (mostly) going to educate himself next year. And, I bet he does just as well as the system and with less anxiety. This isn't to say I am comfortable with the whole notion (read - petrified). But, if he comes out of it feeling good about himself, having practiced writing some, and having kept up (a little) in math and science where he is way ahead - we can't be too far off.

On the Precipice

2010-05-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am leaning precariously over a great abyss. This abyss is the emptiness that we will fill if we unschool our son next year.

Beautiful, gentle, introspective Z is having a difficult time in school. Don't get me wrong, he loves to learn, and reads constantly (I catch mysefl saying things like: "Put the book down and eat"). We have struggled for three years now trying to get him what he needs in the system. He scores exceedingly well on tests, aces work that interests him, and can't start work that he finds dull. He gets caught surrepticiously reading when he should be doing worksheets. When asked to do a little open-ended project, he imagines this great ambitious project - too complex to really complete, then gets lost in implementation.

His teachers have trouble trying to help him. His primary teacher this year clearly thinks he is being lazy. We've tried to point out that, if he had dyslexia, she'd help him read. Helping a child with attentional issues get organized and start is the same thing. She is not a believer.

The school refuses to formally identify his needs or put an IEP in place. He is gifted, does well on tests, aces the work he does hand in - what's the problem? Except, he only hands in a fraction of the work, much of that done at home with our nagging, cajoling, and surrendering positive family time to get it done.

So, while working full-time in a college, and doing everything else, I am planning to (probably?) homeschool/unschool him next year in a corner of my office.

Am I insane?

My planned curriculum is to let him do what he loves most (learn and read, about anything and everything), do some structured math stuff, write both creatively (comic book, maybe) and reflectively (a journal reflecting on his readings), and explore.

Will this work?

This great, gaping hole stands in front of us, for me to help him fill.

Teaching Good Sportsmanship.

2010-05-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

B is participating in the chess tournament at school. While he has lagged in a few areas of academic development, the kid totally rocks at spatial reasoning. He is a first grader, and this year the chess tournament was not divided K-2 and 3-5, there is one tournament K-5. J volunteers every week of the year in the chess club, teaching all of the kids how to play and helping them out, a little extra time with our boys each week.

Winning the tournament is not our goal for B. Frankly, in first grade, it would probably be unrealistic. We want him to love the game, flex his brain muscles a bit, and have some fun. Every week, before the tournament, we review our goals: Play as smart as you can. Be kind to your opponent. Be gracious regardless of the outcome - you are there for fun.

The tournament is run by the teacher assigned to the Talented and Gifted Program (TAG). It is a somewhat ironic placement because, while she is really enthusiastic, she isn't so much "gifted". As such, the TAG program is notorious for being "more" stuff, rather than "more interesting" stuff for the TAG kids. This is what we've experienced with Z in the program and one of many reasons we are on the verge of homeschooling Z next year.

The TAG teacher was unable to figure out how to run a double elimination round-robin. So, J made a diagram for her showing how the brackets work. She thought that was too complicated and couldn't understand the winner and loser brackets, so decided on a double-elimination point system instead. Two losses and your out, but the point leader still standing at the end takes all. A reasonable alternative.

At six-years-old and in first grade, B is having a great run. The first week, he played a disappointed third grader that wanted to play someone older, so she would be "challenged" - B beat her. The second week, he faced a fifth-grader. This fifth-grader was cocky about facing a first grader at the start of the game - and started trash talking. B hasn't ever really heard "trash-talk" before. Then, when B started to gain the advantage, the fifth-grader (let's call him Joe) started trying to cajole B into making foolish moves: "you don't want to do that", "watch out, probably not a good idea", "oh, yeah - move that one". Finally, B was getting flustered, so J pointed out to him that he should play his own game and not let someone else manipulate him. A few moves later, B won by check-mate. J explained the circumstance to the TAG teacher, and mentioned that she really needs to talk to Joe about table talk, because it is really not allowed in chess.

Joe went to his mom (a teacher in the school) to complain that B's dad helped B win. Joe's mom went to the TAG teacher to complain. TAG teacher says "Oh, I'll talk to him about not helping his child". TAG teacher did not point out that Joe's behavior was unsportsmanlike. Then, she relented and while B kept the points for the win, she gave Joe a bye for the game that he lost. This solution is not great, but perhaps reasonable in that J did speak to B during the game. This would have been fine if accompanied by some sincere messages about fair play and honor.

But, it doesn't end there. The bitching has continued, Joe's mom has continued her relentles complaining that Joe was unfairly beaten due to J's assistance. So, this morning, the teacher announced that she has given both Joe and B wins for the game.

Since then, B has defeated a third grader and another fifth-grader, both by check-mate. B is tied for first in the tournament - with Joe.

This leaves me with so many questions:

Do we wonder why Americans have a reputation for bad sportsmanship and whining?
What kind of message does this send to children about honor and sportsmanship?
How can we still respect this teacher for not (at least) making a point about fair play?
Will B still like chess after this?

Mouths of Babes

2010-05-06T10:32:00.001-07:00

Z has been having a really rough go of it in school. That is, he is learning everything that he should for his age group... but, he is unhappy and is having a very difficult time succeeding on assignments and getting the work done. Much of the work is pretty much "busywork", with little value-added.

This amazing child that can smoke all of their achievement tests feels terrible about himself and his achievements because he can't finish their assigned worksheets. So, we are thinking of home(office)-schooling him next year. When asked how he felt about the idea, he said he wasn't sure about it.

"Why? What is the downside to home-schooling?"

"Well, mom, I think that it is really important that I get a quality education."

Carrot, Not Stick

2010-04-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

While generally I am not a huge fan of incentive programs, we have started one. Why don't I like them? Well, they smack of manipulation sensu Alfie Kohn's "Punished by Rewards". We want them to learn to take initiative for personal reasons, not just because of the "carrots".

Frankly, little T wouldn't do anything for a carrot -but, chocolate is a different story. It is a new deal. If T gets up, dressed, eats breakfast, gets in the car and buckles on his own in the morning... he receives one chocolate to eat on the way to school.

We are hoping that if he develops the habit - he will learn to do these things sans chocolate. The jury is still out on whether he will ever do this without the ~~carrot~~ chocolate - but, for now the kid is waiting, in the car and buckled twenty minutes before I am ready.

Not so cute.

2010-04-10T05:55:00.000-07:00

T, our littlest one, is experiencing a crisis. He used to be so cute when he needed help with his socks and shoes, and help eating and getting dressed, and on and on. But, at 4 and a half - it isn't cute anymore. So, his cries for help are escalating to shrieks (less cute), and whining (less cute still) and moaning (frankly annoying).

So, he is struggling with getting dressed in the morning. He is unpleasant to be around. And, his inefficiency has reached such heights that one morning last week, after I warned that he would go to school in whatever attire he was wearing when we got there - I carried the boy into school wearing only underpants. His teachers appreciated the notion of punishment by natural consequence and helped him get dressed there.

I'd have thought that the underwear incident would have cured him, but here he is, wandering around, whining again and wearing only underpants.

Go team.

2010-04-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

I just had guests for the weekend. Among the familial guests were a set of parents with their four-year-old daughter and 11 year-old son. For fun, let's just call them Buffy and Jodi (if you don't get the reference, you are too young). For the parents, let's just call them Carol and Mike.

Mike is not the most attentive parent in the world. He didn't really want kids and isn't really plugged into their developmental stages. He lives more parallel to the rest of the family than in concert with them. Recently, however, he lost his job and has since felt as though he wanted to participate. So, he has started (on his own schedule) intervening with Carol's parenting. Mike is not so much pitching in as questioning Carol's strategies.

Carol is not perfect either (no one is). Carol is a driven career woman and can sometimes be a bit distracted in parenting from her job. She has trouble being consistent in rules or following through with her contingencies. That is, she might impatiently threaten to remove television all week, then later remember that she'll need them to watch tv during her teleconference later that day - so, she can't always follow through. She may even just carelessly threaten a consequence that isn't feasible. The kids can't really know when her threats for punishment are real or not - so, their responses are inconsistent.

Since Mike's been laid off, however, there's been a constant barrage of push-me pull-you parenting. Mike wants Jodie to excel in one class, and works for three hours ever day on that, but is angry that Carol can't get Jodie to satisfactorily finish all of his work in the other five subjects. Carol is angry that Jodie is so tired from one subject that he can't get through the rest when she gets home from work. Mike wants the kids available to snuggle and visit with in the evening, but doesn't want to deal with any problematic bedtime issues. He also sleeps in and has no interest in getting them to school in the morning. Carol is frustrated that the kids are too tired to move in the morning and every morning is a struggle, and that her efforts for bedtime routines are undermined (until Mike disappears into his family office leaving Carol with tired and grumpy kids). Mike cannot bear to see his four-year-old princess upset - so, he will stop at nothing to keep her from being unhappy.

This weekend, we saw the epitome of Mike undermining Carol's (inconsistent) parenting to keep this child from exploding into a tyrant worthy of Violet Beauregarde (the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka). The kids ate dinner at a separate table from the adults, so they could cut-up a little and we could have adult conversation. I had made a "Bunny Cake" for Easter dessert. Neither Mike nor Carol were completely on with this - we put out plates (appropriately cut and divvied up) for each child, set their places, gave them drinks and told them to eat their dinners. Mike hovered back and forth over Buffy to insure her safety (?). She cried that she wouldn't eat this or that. Mike tried to negotiate, "Oh, sweetie, if you eat this we'll give you lots of candy and lots of the bunny cake". Carol sporadically left our table to berate Buffy for not eating - you won't get dessert if you don't eat. We let our kids cut their own meat, get seconds, and generally be independent through the dinner (if a bit giggly). Our youngest lost it and was briefly incarcerated on the stairs (time-out) before he got to rejoin the bunch.

Finally, our children were all finished, as were the grown-ups. Jodie had eaten his dinner. But, poor Buffy was suffering with the dreaded green beans (yeck!!). Mike continued to cajole and Carol threaten. Finally, Carol stated "you need to eat these three green beans, if you do that - you can have cake". While I wasn't there, a credible witness has told me that Mike popped the three green beans into his own mouth and told Carol that Buffy ate it. So, finally, after 45 minutes of threats from Carol, cajoling from Mike, and shrieking from Buffy - she got her cake. Mike undermined all of Carol's parenting efforts, and everyone suffers the consequence of a child being rewarded for behaving like a tyrant.

If there has to be one basic rule for parenting - present a united front. Don't let the kids tear you apart. In the end, what you have is each other, and the kids will figure life out easier if there are fewer sets of rules to navigate.

Going naked.

2010-03-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

Not me, of course.

T is determined to get all of the attention that his pudgy little cheeks have always earned him, even if he is growing up.

Lately, this has manifested itself in a complete inability to cooperate with our morning program. All the kid has to do in the morning is get dressed. His clothes are laid out with care. Once dressed and shod, he can have breakfast (a first of two as the daycare also provides breakfast).

Of late, though, we have been given an hour-long concert of moaning and whining with lyrics like "I can't get up" and "I can't SEE my clothes".

So, earlier this week, I threw him in the care dressed as far as he had progressed (pants only) and toted him into school carrying his shoes, shirt, and socks. He was a bit mortified at being in the school mostly naked. I assumed that this natural consequence would solve the problem.

I was surprised then, that this morning he was totally butt naked as I started to get him in the car. He dressed himself in about a minute on the way out the door.

Son - there are a lot of ways to get attention... can we just get dressed?

Whose fault is it when someone dies?

2010-03-15T09:05:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, at the grocery store, I encountered one of the most toxic people I've been around in quite awhile. She wasn't even speaking to me and I almost felt I should shower when I got home. She was speaking to the kind (if sometimes incompetent) people behind the deli counter.

While I waited (and none of the other help came around to assist me) a woman repeatedly had them get different packets of meat from the deli case, the storage refrigerator, and finally from the front of the deli case so that she could examine the ingredients. This was unusual; not in itself rude, although she might have been sheepish about taking so much time. Instead, she became increasingly angry.

She complained to one of the staff that all of the products had some ingredient in them (I was trying not to listen).

The girl said "Oh, I think they all have that".

The woman, more loudly, "Well, they didn't used to, it is terrible for you."

The girl, trying to sound patient (sounding a bit annoyed), "Oh, I think they always have had it, but I'm no doctor, I don't know if it's bad".

"Well, I AM A DOCTOR, AND IT CAUSES CANCER".

The girl starts to lose her patience "Well, I wish I'd known that for all the family I've lost to cancer, maybe I should send them to you".

Louder still, "YOU BLOODY WELL SHOULD, THIS STUFF KILLS. MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE HAD CANCER IF THEY HADN'T EATEN THIS CRAP".

Girl, trying to keep it together "Ok, is there anything I can get for you?"

"NONE OF THIS POISON, I'LL TAKE FOUR OUNCES OF THAT (pointing)".

As the girl walked away to let the boy behind the counter fill the order, the women muttered "And, you should tell her that if she ate less of this crap she wouldn't be obese and maybe she wouldn't die of diabetes or heart disease". Then, she followed up this ugly remark by berating the poor hapless guy trying to help her.

This is so wrong, and on so many levels.

What kind of physician would be so ugly and insulting to anyone and pretend that they are a healer? I can think of no other exchange in the last ten years that was so outwardly hateful.

How can a healer be so ruthless in attacking someone - did she fail Empathy 101?

While certainly it is true that some diseases are potentiated by bad behavior - on no account is it appropriate to suggest that someone "had it coming" for their personal flaws.

Ever since my mother was diagnosed, and certainly since she died - many folks have asked me about the cancer. Almost unfailingly, when someone learns that my mother died of lung cancer - I am asked whether or not she smoked. Like, it would be ok or she had it coming if she were a smoker and somehow that makes her loss less significant? As though, of course she never got to meet some of her grandchildren because she was to blame for the cancer.

My mother was not a smoker and her cancer was not the same sort of lung cancer that smokers get. But, regardless of her behavior or how deserving she was of her cancer - I lost my mother. My mother, who was always conscientous about never asking "Oh, God, why me?" while she died has a bunch of post-game quarterbacks that want to see if the cancer was her fault.

I realize why people do it... if she had smoked, they can coyly feel as though it won't happen to them because they don't. Imagine, though, how I would feel if I had to relive, all the time, that my mother's loss might have been avoided if she hadn't been foolish.

Heck, it might have been avoided if a specific doctor had read her x-ray properly, or looked for cancer when she had a chronic cough, or noticed the ongoing hoarseness with no etiology. But, second-guessing will never bring mom back.

Obesity, smoking, lack of exercise are all issues that we, as a society, need to address. The path we need to take, however, is not to blame the people we've lost - but, to try to effect positive (notice I said positive, you ugly doctor woman - yes, you) change in the people we still have.

Words of Wisdom (from a four year old)

2010-02-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

On eating a chocolate found under the sofa (probably circa Christmas):

"It was fine, it wasn't hairy."

Is this a statement on:
a. my housekeeping
b. his genetic propensity for chocolate
c. his sweet-tooth
d. too many snow days
e. all of the above

Travel with children.

2010-01-12T11:19:00.001-08:00

Dad used to say that there were two ways to travel: First class and with children.

I didn't get it.

Now, I do.

Eleven nights away from home, 200 pounds of luggage, some incontinence from one four-year-old member of our party, and a good bit of WHINING and we are home and tired.

We DID have a fabulous time.

But, seriously... is there no where better to throw up than on your stuffed animal, your mother and in the bed at the hotel when there are only six possible hours to get sleep?

Actually, we answered this question on the way home, try in your only clothes, in a plane, on yourself and your father, when you will have to deplane in snowy weather mostly naked covered with puke (and many thanks to USAir that offered to sell us a 10 dollar blanket rather than give us one under the circumstances (no thanks, jerks).

Back to the old routine.

What do you want your child to do when they grow up?

2009-11-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Beat people up and bloody them?

or

Engage in sexual activities with someone they love?

Yeah, I thought so.

So, why, America are you so totally freaked out that a child might catch a glimpse of a breast or (gasp!) a penis? Why is it completely unacceptable to reveal adults engaged in a sexual situation in a movie or on television? But - it is perfectly ok to watch bodies be torn apart by gunfire, tortured, beaten, and generally bloodied during even daytime television?

Seriously.

I want my children to grow up (some time in the way distant future) and (in the confines of a monogamous relationship) have sex with wild abandon. This is normal stuff that humans do. People have private parts, people engage in erotic and sexual behavior - they are supposed to. Need I remind anyone that this is how we got here?

I never want my child to bloody anyone, shoot anyone, beat anyone, or engage in violent or bullying behavior.

So, shouldn't what I allow them to observe (on television, the internet, and in movies) track what I think is appropriate behavior? My eight-year-old isn't ready to watch hardcore porn or anything, but I'd far prefer he see naked people engaging in something mildly erotic than see mild violence. Besides, long-term exposure to these images is known to decrease sensitivity to witnessing real violence. I don't think it's healthy to be desensitized to other peoples' pain.

Any thoughts?

Bad Mom. No daycare.

2009-10-13T10:43:00.001-07:00

During this fall's soccer season, T has loved going to his brother B's games and practices. He loves playing in the grass and rolling around, roughhousing with the other little ones, and playing at the playground by himself like a big boy.

This has also been a pretty severe chigger year.

So, it came as only a small surprise when I got a call from the daycare last week.

"There is no emergency, but you need to come pick up T as soon as possible. He'll need to see a doctor this afternoon."

"Why?" I asked, already kind of knowing the answer.

"He has CHICKEN POX. They're terribly contagious you know."

"No," I said, "he doesn't. He has chiggers."

"They are all over over, he has spots all over his abdomen and back, they are all oozing and I'm afraid its chicken pox. You really need to come get him."

This isn't even the first time they've called me for a "chicken pox" case in one of my kids - my kids play outside a lot. No, it isn't chicken pox (he's even been vaccinated). Yes, they are gnarly - because he won't leave them alone.

I'm almost embarassed.

More from the "boy who can't be wrong"

2009-10-13T10:29:00.001-07:00

B made a million bucks yesterday.

Actually, someone gave it to him. Really, it was a "one-million-dollar-bill". He was pretty stoked about it and was telling me how rich he is.

I let him in on a little secret. "They don't make million dollar bills... it isn't real".

To which he (of course) replied, "Yes, it is too".

I tried to (gently) explain that, while I'd be thrilled if he were truly a millionaire, they really don't make one million dollar bills.

The "boy who is never wrong" told me that his friend's mother told him it is real.

Again, I pointed out that, while she may have a sense of humor, she was not being completely honest with him.

Then, he told me that she knows it's for real, and she is way smarter than I am.

Um, ok, lots of people are way smarter than me. Why do you think that this particular lady is way smarter than me.

"Well, she's older than you - she is FIFTY".

Ok, she's older. How do you know she's smarter?

"She is done with college and has a job counting money".

I said, "I'm done with college too".

He insisted, "No, she is DONE with college, you still go to college every day."

"Well, yes, I do, because I teach college."

"See, she is totally smarter - she is finished with college and you still go there every day."

I think maybe I'll send him to the bank with his father.

No, mom, you are SO wrong.

2009-10-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met anyone that refuses to be wrong?

I don't mean that they aren't ever wrong... I mean that they refuse to believe that anything they say could ever be in error, even if that error is slapping them in the forehead?

"Mom, you're going the wrong way". This is middle son, B.

"No - this is the way to Target". I respond.

"No it isn't." He repeated at ever-increasing volume until I turned into the parking lot of Target.

"See, here's Target". I chirped from the front seat.

"Can I have some gum"? He changes the subject.

Then, he was invited to a birthday party. At a karate place. At the Kroger lot.

"Where's the party?"

"At the karate place".

"You're going the wrong way".

"No, the karate place at Kroger".

"There is NO karate place at Kroger". He insisted at ever-increasing volume all the way to the Karate place over Kroger, at which he said:

"This didn't USED to be here."

Yes, dear, since before you were born... I thought, shaking my head.

Skip forward to my (first) repeat visit putting them to bed tonight.

"Go to bed".

"Mom, did you know that bats are blind?"

"No, they're not, they can see".

"No, in a book today at school I learned they're blind".

"No, they're not, but some people have thought they are".

"They're blind". (repeat a few times).

Finally, I shoot back, in frustration "Who do you believe? A PhD in biology or someone that writes books for first graders?" (How petty can I get, do you suppose?)

Z, my oldest son, says, "I believe the PhD." Then, he looks at my B, who was shaking his head and about to blurt out another "THEY'RE BLIND" statement and Z says...

"Yeah, right and there's no karate place at Kroger either".

More homework?

2009-09-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am ok with my preschooler coming home with directives to explore this or that. He feels "like a big guy" when he has homework.

But - for the love of Pete - two weeks in a row we've gotten a collage assignment with only one night to complete it. On a soccer night, of course.

I am buried with the moaning, crying, and anger over my two big kids homework (and that's just me, they cry too). Give us some flexibility for homework with our four-year-old, please?

Welcome to my neglected home.

2009-09-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

If you are coming over from stophomework.com, welcome to my often-neglected home.

If you are here as a regular visitor - you can see me rant over at stophomework.com today on Obama's initiative to increase the duration of both school years and days. Because, if something isn't working - what you need is MORE OF IT.

Eesh.

Modern Paranoia

2009-09-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have been officially scolded by my kids' schoolbus driver.

First, the school has an official policy that no child may get off the bus without an adult waiting for them. I don't really agree with this policy.

As an aside, walking and biking to school is forbidden (it is on a very busy road, but really?). The pick-up lines can take 20 minutes or more.

I was a latch-key kid from fourth grade up. Many kids in that day were. This does require parents to be sensitive to their kids' maturity. It also requires some lessons in common sense (how to answer the phone, whether to answer the door, not to use appliances, etc.). I felt grown-up and empowered. I'd fix myself a salad (yes, a salad) then read, play or (sometimes) watch tv until mom got home two hours later. I bear no scars. Many of my friends did the same thing, and (more or less) did fine. Some watched more tv than others and some ate more junk food than others (they can only eat what is at the house, by the way).

This is not a message only to gripe about the school eliminating elementary latch-key kids, though. There is a more Draconian policy.

The pressing policy here is that the bus driver will only let the kids off the bus for someone they know. What does that even mean? She let them off for my husband because the kids said he was their dad and likewise for my father.

I use a variety of different college kids college kids for after-care. The college kids do a great job (usually), I have a steady supply (I do not use current students, but have many former students on campus), and they can usually find their own replacements for the inevitable sick day or college obligation. I (usually) know in advance and can send a note to the driver for this inane policy.

If I forget to leave a note (or don't know in time to do so)... the driver objects. That said, she has, sometimes, let the kids off for unexepected babysitters (to whom she delivers scathing rebukes).

But, she absolutely refused to let them off the bus for a male student. She returned the kids to the school and the school called me. I had to reassure the lady in the office that, indeed, I did hire a male babysitter and he would be perfectly fine to send the kids with. Then, he had to pick them up at the school. As an aside, he did not have a booster seat so, technically, he broke the law at that time by driving the kids the 1.5 miles to our house. That would have, of course, been unecessary if the driver had just let the kids off the bus.

How does the school imagine that the usual sitter was absent and another young (male) college kid was standing in? What are the options?

The usual kid called a (male, in this case) student to stand in due to illness.
The usual kid is running late and asked a friend to fill in for a minute.
The usual student is bound and gagged in my house and this nefarious looking college man is standing in ready to kidnap my kids.
The usual student forgot to babysit today and this man happened to be waiting to take her place should she fail to show.

Can we safely discount the likelihood of items three and four? According to Lenore Skenazy of Free Range Kids - if you wanted your child to be abducted by a stranger - you would need to leave them (on average) on a curb for 780,000 years. This doesn't make stranger abductions any less tragic... but, this is not something the school needs policies to protect against.

Further and most importantly - why trust the women and not the men? What has happened to a sexist society where we don't trust men with children? It is any wonder that some men are disengaged in parenting? Do we not predispose them as such by assuming them untrustworthy with children until they have their own?

And, I may be alone here... but, I have certainly seen women marginalize the male contribution by suggesting that they aren't as good at diapering, dressing the kid, or whatever. Do we wonder why men often don't participate fully? Men may parent a little differently, but maybe we all need that balance.

MIT will wait for you.

2009-08-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

"I cant' find the buckle".

My sister A and I said, simultaneously "Andrew. Quit screwing around buckle up".

At this point, I look at Z (my oldest), and see that he is blanching. "Z, What!"

"Mom," Z says, "I think that the buckle might be gone".

"Might be gone? How could a buckle be gone?"

"Well," Z goes on, "I might have played with it".

"Playing with it doesn't make it go away. Andrew - look more carefully... did Z push the buckle in between the seats?"

I look at Z again, "What?"

"I mean, I think that I might have kind of taken it off".

"You did what? So, where is it? ... Everyone, let's look on the floor of the car, they can't have gone far".

Z blanches. Sheepish, he says, "Um, I think we'll have to drive separately".

Driving our combined five children in two separate cars for an additional eight hours in each direction is not really the solution we were looking for at five pm on a Friday.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, mom, I kind of think I took it off, then... it was really long ago, things have gotten really jumbled around in here. I am pretty sure that some of the pieces are gone."

"When did you do this? And, um, what do you mean pieces? Where would they go?"

"Well, mom, I took it apart a long time ago. There were three pieces. And, we've cleaned out the car a few times since then... I'm sure that all of the pieces aren't still here."

So, there my sister and I are... at 5:15 on a Friday evening, trying to find a Honda dealer that has this part. Each one I call says they don't stock that part... because it isn't removable. I direct them to my eight-year-old for instructions. We finally find one that is (sort of) on the way to our destination - so, we all pile in (sister in unbuckled seat, eleven year old nephew illegally in front seat) to get the part.

After an hour of driving - they have the wrong part set aside. The parts department is closed, my sister loses her temper, and we are told, there is nothing they can do. As I plead our case, my sister goes in search of a salesmen. She convinces them to remove the piece from a vehicle on the lot and charge us to replace it.

It takes a mechanic twenty minutes and three tools to remove the piece from the existing car, and my son has to show him how to install it (using the tools) to our car. It took him over twenty minutes to install, because he refused to listen to my son that insisted a piece was missing... until a woman from the dealership ran out with the errant piece of hardware.

Are you as smart as an eight year old?

Of course, on reflection, I realize where his idea for removal came from. Three or four months ago I yelled at the kids about the danger of fighting over the strap with the metal buckle on the end. Somewhere in Z's unusual brain, this triggered the idea that the safest thing (actual car safety aside) would be to remove the offending piece (so they couldn't fight over it anymore). I am sure this is what happened... I only wish he would take more seriously the dangers of having pee on the bathroom floor or the dreaded unflushed toilet.

Don't you hate it...

2009-06-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

when you have a kid over for a sleepover, then find out from the mom when you return them home that they've been sick?

Guess what? My kid is getting sick now... no, really, he is. How surprising.

My Name Is Michael

2009-06-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Shocking news... MJ is dead. This, coming on the heels of lots of other "celebrity" news, should remind people of the price of fame.

I don't miss the Thriller era, and I wasn't especially a fan of Beat It, or Billie Jean. I couldn't even tell you much about these songs, except that I remember the Thriller video and that MJ couldn't really pull off the gangsta look in the Beat It video. But, I have fond memories of hearing the Jackson Five. I know, I know... I'm dating myself... in my defense I have much older siblings, so I skipped a lot of the teenybopper stuff I was supposed to like (e.g. Shaun Cassidy).

In homage to MJ, I listened to My Name is Michael, by the Jackson Five. His sweet innocent voice, that he tried so hard to hang onto is so bittersweet now. The young man lost all semblance of a normal life when the Jackson Five made it big. His self-image problems, fueled by an unusual family, his earning power, and the public scrutiny of his career, insured that he would never have a normal moment or a sincere trusted friend - someone that wasn't influenced by his money or power.

Why is it that we seem pathologically unable to either leave people alone (even if we like their music)? Even more frightening, why are we pathologically unable to avoid fame, even after watching hundreds of celebrities self-ignite in the glow of it?

Why, oh why, didn't John and Kate (plus eight) see it coming? I'm not really a fan or a detractor (I may have seen part of two episodes), not really my cup of tea... but even back to the first reality television (a PBS series in the 70's), no marriages have survived the scrutiny.* Maybe the sanctity of marriage and family life aren't intended for public scrutiny. Maybe all of us, if shown in tv soundbites, would seem so atrocious and unmatched that we wouldn't be able to bear staying with our partners?

Let's have a momnt of silence.. but not just for poor disfunctional, unhappy Michael, but also for the lives of so many that our constant intrusion has ruined.

And, let's hope that that the next family that is approached with a television deal has the good sense to avoid fame and fortune and be working stiffs like the rest of us - it isn't glamorous, but it has more potential for happiness.

*With the possible exception of the Duggar family with 19 children and counting... but, I am not completely convinced that they are actually human.

speaking of throwing the kids outside

2009-06-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

It is the umpteenth day of rain. I am trying to pull off a birthday party tomorrow, and the kids are rolling around in the living room wrestling.

Is it ok to throw them out into the rain to clean the house?

Self-centered?

2009-06-12T06:54:00.001-07:00

B and Z were having part of their ongoing backseat battle (including, but not limited to: kicking, scratching, name-calling, toy-stealing, and hitting).

In a moment of parent-induced truce, I told Z he had to apologize to B. He did so immediately and stuck his head back in a book.

B started complaining a few moments later, that "I didn't hear him apologize, so he didn't do it. He has to do it again so I hear it".

If a tree falls in the woods and B doesn't hear it, did it really happen?

School's out for summer.

2009-06-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was asked, "Is that good or bad?".

Both, really.

It will be hard to get my job done and get some time for myself. But, I am also committed to trying to give my kids that free, wide-open kind of summer that I had with time for cricket-catching and berry snatching, as well as the odd pickup athletic event.

Welcome

2009-06-09T06:59:00.001-07:00

to all visitors from Stophomework.

Have a look around at my often-neglected little blog.

If you are a "local", I am a guest author for today's post at stop homework, check it out.

The kid was drunk...

2009-06-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

With independence, that is.

It took B years to work up the courage to take out our kayak on his own. Last week, we had a party where every child from the soccer team and their siblings kayaked on their own - so T decided he was ready to do it.

Little tiny monkey T is 3.5 years old. He weighs 42 pounds and can't really swim. So, of course, I said "honey, maybe when you are a little bigger?"

And, J said "why not - I'll follow him in the row boat". Hmmm.

So, we put on his life vest, gave instructions, handed him the paddle, got the boat nearby, and shoved him from shore (and, I held my breath while J calmly followed him from a safe distance).

T tooled around close to the shore, figured out how to turn and go straight, and about burst into pieces over doing it all by himself.

Priceless.

Throw your kids out.

2009-06-07T07:48:00.002-07:00

It is an absolutely beautiful day here.

So, in ten minutes when I finish writing here, I am going to throw my kid out.

No, not forever. But, I am going to drag him out of his pajamas, put him in shorts, slather sunblock on him and get him outside.

Can you think of any reason to take a beautiful sunny, breezy day in Junne and spend it rolling around on the couch reading? I didn't think so.

Throw yours outside, too! (and, physician, heal thyself as well).

No agenda

2009-06-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

As a soccer mom, I should maybe be sad? The season ended last weekend.

Instead, it was glorious yesterday to have no agenda or hurry. We had a leisurely morning, then went out for a hike. We caught lizards, played in mud, found some insects and listened to birds. We also found about 100 ticks (the down side). Then, we picked up a lunch and had a picnic.

How glorious to let the kids loose on the trails and just be dirty boys.

What have you done lately with no agenda or timetable?

Um, how about a machete instead?

2009-05-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

In the interest of practicing what I preach, I've been thinking about gettting my two older boys their own jackknives this summer. They might get cut, or not. But either way, they might learn to respect that some things require extra thought and consideration to use. They might do some independent exploration. They can learn some responsibility.

So, I thought that I would talk with them about the possibility.

I said, "I have been thinking that maybe you should learn some responsibility", insert eyeroll here. "I was thinking that, if you can demonstrate that you know the difference between tools and toys, I might be able to buy you a sort of tool". Now I had their attention.

I continued, "Toys are multi-purpose things that you can be creative and use in many different ways, where tools have a specific type of use. When you are done using a tool for its intended purpose - you clean it and put it back where it belongs".

They are still wide-eyed. "Mom, what kind of tool are you thinking about?" They are nearly jumping out of their table spots now.

"Well," I said, "I'm thinking that you may be old enough to own a jackknife - but, you'd have to show me that you know how to use a tool first".

My middle child jumps out of his seat "Oh, mom, then you could buy us one of those things".

"What?"

"You know, one of those things, the flat wall-like thing with the target so we can practice throwing the knives and they can stick in it!?!"

"Nevermind"...

Shouting, crying, rolling on the floor - full out tantrum.

2009-05-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

And, that was just me. You should've seen Z, my eight-year-old, while we tried to get his homework done. It would be a bit more compelling if I really believed in the work he was doing. But, honestly, I feel like we are all wasting time could be spent outside - catching bugs and riding bikes (all of us).

I commented last week on StopHomework.com. Sarah, the owner of that blog, asked if I might guest post - and I'm working on it, I promise.

http://stophomework.com/a-college-professor-speaks-out/1265

Here is my problem: My philosophical problems with homework, both in general and in its usual implementation are all over the place.

I want to write:

how education is screwing our children out of opportunities to be creative and innovative, I've already touched on that here.
how ridiculous and wrong it is for our schools to simultaneously bemoan the obesity epidemic in the USA while having our kids sit behind desks plugging away at worksheets for six hours every day then sending them home with more work to do in lieu of playing outside.
how traditional school assignments that spell out every last detail of the assignment (except for actually doing it for the kid) paralyze student's ability to create, modify, and respond to assignments that require critical thinking, judgment, and innovation.
how appalled I am at how little outdoor exploration is included in education. Understanding the resources we rely upon and the world around us should be integral to our education. Short "nature walks" where we point at stuff is not a replacement for getting dirty, discovering wild nettles, poison ivy, ants, and other creepy crawlies. To further explore this, read Louv's "Last Child in the Woods" - he is far more eloquent than I am.
how, under the guise of safety, we are restricting any independent exploration of children. To grow healthy and responsible, kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves (in appropriate doses and with instruction - of course). I regularly see college students that literally panic in situtations that require a little trouble-shooting (vans break down on college trip, airline delays, illness during test period, regular bumps and bruises, scary flying insects outside, etc.). Sometimes, I think that the most valuable thing my students learn on field trips is how to deal with everyday life-time nuisances without calling Daddy on their cell phones.
why it is that teachers feel compelled to send some work home, whether or not it will provide a valuable learning opportunity.
how my philosophy of giving assignments in the classroom has changed since I have seriously considered exactly what it will take to satisfy my demand and what they are expected to get out of the exercise. That is, be willing to either actually do (I have done this), or imagine doing the assignment yourself. That may change the amount or type of assignments that you require.
how my philosophy of work has changed toward empowering students to make choices. Where possible, the students (all together) select assignment due dates, pick between possible assignments, or select readings (from a list of appropriate ones). It makes a task less onerous if students have been empowered to make choices.
when we will include allowing children to learn independence in the list of educational goals, even if that requires sometimes letting kids make mistakes. When I was a kid (yes, I walked uphill, both ways) I took a chemistry class where we played with fire, threw sodium into water (it was FUN), made chlorine gas. In biology, we used scalpels to dissect animals, and grew E. coli. We went fishing for the fishing club. And, all of these experiences were in sixth grade! I was ~~allowed~~ empowered to be an indpendent person from an early age, with the caveat that being responsible went with the independence. So many of my college students simply don't know how to accept responsibility for their own actions, which also means that they can't fully appreciate their accomplishments either (how sad).

In answer to your burning question: I decided that I've already passed second grade - I don't need to worry about second grade homework. Does Yale University reject incoming students because they didn't write about Egypt in second grade?

I told Z, "Do it or don't do it. If you don't, you will fail the assignment and that would be your problem. Also, if you don't finish it you won't get to read tonight in bed (reading is his absolute favorite thing in life). But, it is up to you."

Then, I told him to ask for assistance if he needs it, but I'm going outside with B (younger brother).

He thought about it for awhile, then he did his homework.

And, my head didn't explode. What a mess that would have been!

Prince Charming

2009-05-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I smirked through the entire kindergarten play. They did a fractured version of Goldlilocks and the Three Bears that had, embedded, Little Red Riding Hood, and several other fairy tales including - Cinderella.

My handsome young man was Prince Charming.

I was sent out (last week, late, ill-planned, and frazzled) one evening to ~~pick-up~~ panic in Target about what might make him look like a Prince.

I bought him black dress pants, a long white t-shirt (tunic?), and a purple scarf to tie his tunic with. His teacher added her fifth grader's dress jacket to the costume. He had made a crown for himself.

He was handsome and charming.

Hilariously, however, throughout the entire play he channeled a disaffected teenager. While he sat, he sat with legs splayed and looked bored. While everyone stood, sang, and did the cute, coordinated hand movements (made grand smiley gestures with hands whilst singing about smiles) - he stood on one foot, arms crossed, and mouthed the words.

He was engaged and charming while slipping the slipper onto Cinderella's foot - then, swaggered back to his place on the riser.

A few times, I caught his eye, then I could make him break into a giant grin. Other than that, my boy was just too cool for all of it.

Too funny!

Tick City

2009-05-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

We went for a hike yesterday to get some exercise. We had a lovely excursion. However, it amounted to precious little exercise (duh, four-year-olds don't really "hike").

J got some exercise trucking along with the big boys. I gave them some insect vials and the camelpack backpack loaded with snacks. They had a grand time.

T and I muddled along, hopping, jumping, skipping, sitting, whining, and watching bugs. We moved at a painfully slow snail pace. Honestly, I felt like a somnambulist about half-way through.

But, on the plus side, we say a garter snake (T got to pet it as it zipped away), a black racer, a black rat snake, a mama duck with babies, turtles, bees, ants (which T stomped on), spiders (we played with some), crickets, and a variety of other stuff.

I successfully kept T from playing with poison ivy, but was able to let him smell sassafras and black birch.

Then, when we got home, the great tick-finding extravaganza began and didn't finish for the rest of the night. I took about four of them off of us on the trail. I pulled one out of my hair and one from my hip right when I got home. Then changed all of my clothes and brushed through my hair. Z looked himself over when he got home as did J and B.

By dinner time, we had re-examined ourselves and all found more of them. So, in B's words - we became "naked family". Everyone but me was stripped to the skin in the kitchen... we pulled two more ticks from Z, three from B and (I think) EIGHT from little T. J went back through my hair and I looked myself over again in the bathroom.

Then - while watching late-night tv last night, I pulled another one off of my stomach that was just walking around.

Wow, early tick season here.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-11T07:28:00.001-07:00

J and the boys surprised me early for Mother's Day.

When I got home from work on Saturday, the house was clean, the laundry and dishes done, and two things knocked off of the "honeydo" list.

My family is awesome!

Kids say the darndest things.

2009-05-06T16:24:00.001-07:00

The kids were examining a magazine in the back of the car and found a vehicle that converts from car to plane.

Z is outraged.

"I can't believe that they invented that... I wanted to do that. I wanted to invent that, and they got to do it first. They get to spend all of their time inventing, and all I get to do is... grow."

Too funny.

Staring at the summer.

2009-05-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

From this side, the summer always looks like a vast empty space of idyllic hot days and room for loads of productivity. But, I know better.

I see lots of opportunities for sloth, lots of thunderstorms, and then it's gone in a flash (of lightning).

This summer, I have to find a way to make the most of the short time I have. And, I mean that both in terms of having fun with my still-young boys and kicking some work ass (and having some quiet time).

This really means putting my plan into action. No, not the evil, cackling plan. Just the one that has me spend less time staring off into space and more time accomplishing both fun and work.

It's time to change, folks.

Still lacking focus.

2009-04-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have a million things to do and not enough time to do them.

That's why I've updated my blog and added more.

And I complain about my kid not doing his spelling homework, yeeesh.

Buckle down...

2009-04-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I have, on my desk in front of me, three sets of tests (one from each course I am currently teaching), four sets of quizzes, and four sets of papers.

Can you tell that I hate grading papers?

This explains my pathetic absence for - oh, about the last 15 weeks.

I haven't taught two new courses since my first year teaching.

But, since then... we have changed a few things:

I am program chair
I am on four campus committees
I've had three children (that like to eat every day, and they even like to wear clean socks)
we've bought a house (that sometimes needs maintenance)
I've added about ten years to my age (necessitating reading glasses and regular exercise for proper functioning)

Done whining thanks, more later.

Enough girl power.

2009-03-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

I feel as strongly as the next educated woman on the importance of educational equality for women. But, the fact is that the tables have turned dramatically. Women are statistically more successful in school than men. This all starts in elementary school and continues sll the way up to college where incoming freshmen classes are female biased and attrition is higher in males than females all the way through.

The time has come to address why males are less successful in our educational system than females. While educational initiatives for girls are still important - we need to figure out how to fix the leaky pipeline of bright young unsuccessful boys. It comes as no surprise to my ~~readers~~ reader that I am a mother of boys. But, seriously, why does my kindergartner suffer in his grades because he can't sit in a chair all day, do worksheets and want to cut out pictures of growing bean plants? Can't the kid just get dirty and plant beans to see what happens? He can get his teeth into getting dirty - but, cutting and sounding out B-E-A-N for six hours is not exactly setting him up for success.

The kid went into kindergarten with high hopes and WAY ahead of the curve on all the pre-tests. At this point (six months in), he shows NO signs of increased achievement, and has decided everything but gym class and art sucks. Can't we just spend kindergarten teaching kids that learning is fun? It is really crucial to his college enrollment that he is reading by the end of kindergarten? Are worksheets the best way to learn?

Let's start initiatives to help boys succeed, to actually get some male role models into the elementary schools (other than PE teachers), and to get them dirty at school - cuz' that's the funnest stuff to do.

I am a big Dewey fan - we learn by doing, let's do more and talk about it less. I think we need to introduce the following into kindergarten (all things, by the way, that I remember doing in elementary school):

playing in dirt (gardening?)
counting games that require running around
letter games that require running around (run to trace the letters? playground chalk?)
blowing shit up (science? I don't know, but it sure is fun)
walking in the woods
keeping frogs in tanks
growing insects

I bet there are a million better ideas. This totally makes you appreciate the potential of homeschool.

just can't get enough.

2009-01-31T14:47:00.000-08:00

I think that a new twelve step program may be in order.

I have never met a gadget I didn't like. If you want to sell me something that promises a shinier ass or smaller floors (or vice versa, whatever). You can promise me time-saving, money-saving, a cleaner environment - it really doesn't matter. I will need it.

My lastest follies include:

the food saver (which works well, but takes too much space - so, I don't use it when the beer bottles pile up in front of it).
a leg-hair remover, which works terrific, way cheaper than a wax, but - the pain-free promise was total bullshit
a pasta-maker
an immersion blender (great for soups on the stove)
a rug shampoo machine (I should really use this more often, eww)
my dog has an invisible fence
active sitting pads for the boys
a bread machine (makes great bread, J doesn't like the bread). It is stored in the pantry, on the floor, under a hundred things.
a micro-derm abrasion home face-cleaning device (which makes my skin feel way smooth and nice) - but, too often I just fall into bed with no "beauty regimen" other than removing my bra, pants, and socks.
a kitchen-aid mixer - which, is arguably not a gadget, but a power-tool - and I love it.
a special mop system for my wood floors. It made them look fabulous the two times I used it.
A dryer vent cleaner. This is terrific and it cleans our mysteriously 18 foot long dryer vent with 7 turns in it. We should probably use it more often than every other year. Probably doesn't matter at the moment because the dryer hose fell off the vent and we haven't bothered to move our gargantuan machines to stick it back to the vent.
a device that lets me pee in the woods without completely dropping trou (which, astonishingly, seems to work - but still requires gads of concentration and a good bit of privacy)
and my latest - a home soda maker (promises money saving, smaller landfills, and a nicer smile). So far, we've made soda or flavored seltzer a hundred times in four days - let's see if it is still in use next month.

Does it surprise anyone that I have an IUD?

Here is my proposal. Next time I get the burning desire to make my life happier and disposition sunnier by spending (only) $29.99 on some labor-saving, space-filling piece of plastic shit - I should have a support person to call that can bring over a six-pack to talk me out of it.

A study in annoying.

2008-12-30T05:31:00.000-08:00

I am (as I write) on hold with our health insurance company.

For 15 minutes I have been listening to the same 2 minute loop of an enthusiastic helpful woman telling me about dental care. The loop actually has pauses and clicks built in so that you keep getting your hopes up, then dashing them when the loop starts again.

Then, you are sent to an operator that takes all of your information (again) - then, puts you back on hold.

Then, after another 10 minutes - someone answers, and asks for all of your information again.

AAARGH.

I am doing this to resubmit a claim for the third time (it has fallen off the abyss each other time).

This insurance company has a history of rejecting every single claim I have made, out of hand, and requiring resubmission and justification. For example, my visit to the emergency room on a Friday evening was rejected because it wasn't pre-approved (their office closes at five and I had the audacity to break my arm after five). It was noted that they have too many spurious ER visits.

My visit to the ER when I needed eight stitches in my finger was rejected when the doctor failed to note that the finger was on my RIGHT hand.

I don't want the government in charge of my health care, but I don't want these assholes involved either.

What is the most frustrating insurance fiasco you've had?

Tallying up the good.

2008-12-15T11:38:00.000-08:00

So, I had a bad day and I chose my blog as the place to (as dh put it) - rant.

I know that I am fortunate. I am absolutely blessed. I know that. I had a bad day.

So, here I am, thankful and contrite.

I have a handsome, smart, loving, sensitive husband.
I have three beautiful, healthy, bright, inquisitive boys.
I have my health (other than a cold, which is, not really a big deal, all told).
We live in a lovely home.
We live in a beautiful part of the country.
My husband is good at and enjoys his job, and his job is stable.
I have a good job that I enjoy and it is stable.
We are comfortable and know that we can pay the bills.
We have a loving extended family.
Other than my occasional tantrums, we live mostly free of drama.
I worry more about eating too much than too little.
We are educated and our children also have that opportunity.
We have clean running water, electricity, and a safe place to sleep.
Our community is safe and friendly.

If you sometimes forget (like I sometimes do) how lucky you are, view the following youtube video about the "miniature earth".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drSDhlnm0e0&feature=related

I'm moving in with Alexander.

2008-12-13T09:12:00.001-08:00

I have had it.

This is the second time I am writing this post, because my internet connection randomly turns on and off.

I am sick with about the 18th cold/flu of the fall and winter season. My nose is literally dripping snot too quickly to keep up. My head hurts from sinus congestion and I can't sleep at night. I am sick of being sick.

My kids won't help with even the most rudimentary and expected tasks - they'd rather their punishments than contribute. They don't wish to think ahead of doing anything, and are thus, followed by a series of minor (and not so minor) disasters. In the past several days, they have spilled cereal all over the floor and/or table at least three times because they were balancing it on the milk jug. They have spilled molasses all over the counter because they were trying to "help" me make cookies for the stupid cookie exchange (that I'd enjoy if my head weren't splitting). This morning, they spilled about a pint of maple syrup all over the kitchen.

They would rather be punished than help around the house - even the most basic tasks. One child would rather sit on the stairs than take the recycling to the garage. He'd also prefer to pay $3 than clear his breakfast dish. This is the same breakfast dish that was still completely full of cereal that he poured, than changed his mind. The kids wastes more food than some children get. The other left the laundry he was supposed to gather all over the house. While gathering the laundry, I found an unflushed poo, and that all of the bedding had been pulled off of the youngest's bed.

There is glitter every-effing-where in the house.

Someone (it isn't clear who, there is apparently a bad case of amnesia going around) broke a shower stall in our guest bathroom this morning.

The shower stall isn't the only part of our house that is falling apart. The columns in front of our house are rotting. Actually most of our external woodwork is rotting (window sills and door jams); I don't think that they were actually constructed of outdoor materials. There is a hole in the drywall. In our kitchen, the refrigerator is on strike - refusing to make ice or serve water, the hood is falling down, and our cabinets are falling off the wall so dramatically I've had to "store" all of our china on the dining room table. That is, when the kids aren't toting the china pieces around like they are toys. The arm is falling off of my favorite chair, threatening to dump me at any moment. The laundry sink drips, the dryer hose disconnected from the wall. Both of these little foibles will require both of us (and NO KIDS) to fix. You'd think we live in a colonial-era house or something, but it was built in 1996.

Our greedy, entitled kids want every other thing in every toy catalog we receive. Their desire increases with the likelihood of calamity or the number of breakable parts. This, from the kids that made indoor RC helicopters last less than two hours each. I think I'll give them a shower door for Christmas; those fuckers run about $400.

My grades are due on the 22nd and I have a final to give as late as the 2oth (yes, Saturday). I have a mountain of crappy papers to read between now and then.

Our post-Christmas trip was cancelled. Instead of going to the tropics, I am looking at two straight weeks in our broken house with two restless boys when I should be preparing my two new courses.

I think I'm going to move the kids to a barn so, when they leave the doors open (and let more stinkbugs in) they can say "why yes, we do live in a barn".

Christmas this year, ideally, would allow me to tuck in with some good food, some tea and a nice book. Quiet and peaceful. I don't care about decorations, socializing, fancy food, parties, shopping, buying more crap, or holiday spirit. I just want a few moments of peace.

Then, I'm going to move to Australia.

Happy Returns

2008-11-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

So, J stopped at Mc D's with the kids for a happy meal because he was running late on Saturday to get them to a playdate. We rarely do fast food. So, yuck.

When I started driving this morning, I thought I was losing my mind... (too much nyquil?).

I kept hearing voices.

"I know I'm every hippo's dream"

"Wow"

What the ????

Stupid, McDs toys have a motion sensor - so, they repeat this continually the entire way home.

As if their food wasn't bad enough, now their toys will make you crazy too.

Mean Mom

2008-11-13T16:06:00.000-08:00

Last week, I took a giant bag of candy into class for my students. They told me that I am a mean mom.

You see, the night before - I put the kids to bed. Then, I put the kids back to bed. Then, I put them back to bed and told them that I expected them to stay put. Then, I finally told them that the next time they got out of bed - they would lose all of their halloween candy.

I thought that they would stand and take notice. Instead, they tested me.

So, the next morning, J and I sequestered the really good stuff for ourselves (we aren't dumb). And, I gave ther rest of the candy to my students.

Mean mom indeed.

In the zone.

2008-11-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

When we had our first kid, we could hand him off. He always got tons of one-on-one attention.

Then, we had our second. Now, it was man-on-man defense. Lots of individual attention, we'd keep switching kids. We lost most of our free time.

Now, with three, it is zone defense. Usually, we make it work.

Tonight, we are both sick. The kids are getting sick and (though not tired yet) they are all pissy. I can tell when B is getting sick because, even though he doesn't complain - I start to think about selling him to gypsies. (Is there a caravan nearby?)

When we are both sick, what do we do? Bitch a lot, let the kids run amok and generally feel lousy.

Blech. We need to get back to full-on zone defense before our house falls down.

It's worse than I thought.

2008-11-04T15:41:00.001-08:00

Our ~~money pit~~ minivan has no demonstrable exhaust leak, meaning that my headaches are psychosomatic, or evidence of undiagnosed brain cancer.

But, on the negative side, we still need to pour $1400 into it tomorrow.

So, to sum it up,

$400 on vacation last summer
$1000 on tires on the way home from vacation last summer
$800 in repairs a month or so ago
and $1400 tomorrow.

This means, I'll have to drive this car until I am old and gray.

On the plus side, with this headache, I'll be old and gray in no time.

There better be something wrong with it.

2008-11-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

For the last week or so, I have been intermittently suffering from nausea and headaches. This is unusual.

I, seriously, have been on the edge of green sporadically for a week and, oh seriously, my head.

Then, over the weekend the kids seemed off. Z complained of car sickness. The kids moaned and groaned during errands.

Even J got a headache - that never happens.

Hmmmm. It seems to happen in the car....

I'm spending 50 bucks today, and I better find out there is an exhaust leak, cuz' otherwise, I've gone around the bend.

Out of the Mouths of Babes (Part III)

2008-11-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

Onward and upward with the penis theme...

My youngest was trying to clarify things the other day.

"I'm a him and you're a her".

"Yes, dear. You have a penis - you are a boy."

"I have a penis, I'm a boy. Boys have penises."

Long pause here...

"And... girls have necklaces."

Um. Glad we've straightened that out.

Out of the Mouths of Babes (Part III)

2008-10-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

B's teacher caught me at one of Z's last soccer games.

She said that one of B's friends came running, shouting, to her across the room "B just said SHIT". She calmed him down and tried to divert attention from the word.

She approached B and asked if he had used a bad word.

He said "Yes".

As she admonished him to make better choices, he said
"BUT MY MOMMY SAYS IT ALL THE TIME".

Lovely.

Out of the Mouths of (almost) Babes

2008-09-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I gave my daily quiz in my freshmen course this morning.

I go over the answers. Students respond with "I wrote ... do I get it?"

I respond that that answer probably doesn't merit any points because...

One student looks square at me and loudly proclaims "THAT'S CRAP".

For real?

Mouths of Babes, Part II

2008-09-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

I didn't intend this to be such a regular feature, or always penis-centric. But, I just couldn't let this pass without sharing it.

I have a friend that has three girls for our three boys. As babysitters are so blooming expensive and our kids play nicely together - we periodically sit for one another so the other couple can go out. This past Saturday it was our turn. We kept the girls; kid total = six, two 7-year-olds, two 5-year-olds, and two nearly-3-year-olds. Talk about a rowdy house!

Her little girl is potty-training. So, we made a big production of her peeing on the potty like a BIG girl. So, our little attention-hounding three year old needed to pee on the potty too. I took him into our lavatory, removed his sodden diaper and set him on the pot. He dribbled a little pee, so we lavishly praised him (this is how exciting our house is).

I (obviously) couldn't put him back into a stinky, drippy, wet diaper - so, off he toddled NEKKID to rest of the world. I came out to corral him to our bedroom, where we keep the diapers.

The little girl gaped at his little naked thing. She cocked her head. Then, she exclaimed "HE HAS A TAIL!?".

"No, no dear", I reassured her "he's a boy, boys have a penis, that's a penis".

She looked at me again, cocked her head, and stated (as though I were just insane), "No, he has a TAIL!"

Mouths of babes, Edition I

2008-08-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

While J coached our oldest's soccer team this evening, I had my hands full with a rambunctious and overtired three year old. He climbed on me and tried to grab my camera and phone while I guarded my keys and tried to cheer appropriately.

So, I failed - during the water break, I congratulated the goalie on her hustle - the ball never made it to her end.

Then, toward the end of practice, my little guy shouts - "Hey that's my daddy, he has a big penis"

whispered- "what?"

"MY DADDY IS THERE, HE HAS A BBIGGG PEEEENIS"

"Uh, come here honey"

"OOOHH, AND I AM POOOOPY".

Too true.

Bad Car... Bad!

2008-08-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

This has been a monumentally bad car week.

I had the tires rotated before my vacation with my sister. Five kids and two adults in one minivan for a week requires a fully working vehicle.

Once we hit the road, it was obvious the balancing job was not complete - the steering shimmied at high speeds...worse when braking (suggesting rotors and new pads are needed).

Then, the engine light came on. One day of vacation down to sit in a Honda dealership - $100 for diagnostics, $200 for a new valve, and $200 for service charges equals $500 lost plus one precious vacation day.

On the way home,with my three in the car and in the middle of the night, I blew a tire on the highway. Yes, I suppose that I could have changed it (I haven't done that for years, though).

I called AAA and lost about 45 minutes and a $15 tip. Drove home on the nickel spare.

This morning - one hour and $472 for four new tires (ya couldn't have mentioned my bald tires a week ago?).

Bad car, bad.

Eclectic stuff.

2008-07-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was busy and J was having a nap with T. So, Z and B were left to their own devices with limited supervision outside.

They were going to conduct science with spiders.

A few minutes later, I go outside to check. Z and B are both wearing their rubber boots. Z is carrying a camping pad and an umbrella. B has a shovel. (Hmmmm.)

Then, I pop in the shower and B comes in to say that they need some supplies. He needed either three crickets or food coloring. (mmmm, ok)

I look outside after my shower, and they have the shovel, pad, boots, umbrella, crickets, some tupperware, Elmer's Glue, and some dish soap. (No on the glue and the soap).

Maybe I should go check on them again?

Happy Independence Day!

2008-07-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, we always spent the month of July at a cabin on a lake in Connecticut. It was not a fancy, schmancy neighborhood - in fact, it was a little bit redneckish (still is).

So, the fourth always meant hours of illegal fireworks demonstrations, increased traffic in the burn unit, drunken fights at various cabins around the lake and lots of loud music. Noise travels exceedingly well on water. So, between the fascinating bouts of domestic violence and drunken debauchery, and the illegal fireworks displays - we kids used to spend the whole evening wrapped in blankets on our dock watching the neighbors and/or their explosives (of one kind and another).

We were always disappointed, however, that our dad wasn't cool enough to have any fireworks to shoot from our dock.

One year, dad must have gotten tired of our complaints. So, he set us up on the other dock (for safety) and pulled out one, lone firework that he promised would produce excitement for hours. No one else around here will set off anything like this, I can promise you.

We sat dockside for quite awhile watching the brilliant glow from this fantastic firework - waiting for something more to happen... waiting, waiting.... waiting some more.

It turns out - road flares just aren't that exciting.

Why they are cute...

2008-06-12T15:34:00.000-07:00

This little sweet potato... stinkbug... butterball... honeypie... (you know what I mean) is so stinkin' adorable so we will forgive him for the unspeakable damage he does now and will do in the future to everything we own.

Let's see... a hole in a screen, snapped a faucet off of its fixture, removed several curtain rods and lost the parts, filled our entire porch with play sand, pooped at the pool, wrote in a new book of mine, dropped my cell phone, and did unspeakable things to his older brothers.

And... still we keep him.

That smile is why (and his crazy tiny little voice - when it isn't shrieking).

Old dumb dad...

2008-06-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

To expand on my thoughts from the other day (Bad mom/good dad)...

This all stems from the advertising industry's propensity (I believe) to make fun of men. Seriously... all the commercials with "Old dumb dad..." who can't seem to figure out how to make cold cereal for breakfast or when diapers need changing. Old dumb dad... "hey, what's this thing for?" (holding a broom). Old dumb dad... helpless with a dishwasher. Old dumb dad... won't eat anything unusual.

Geez... thank heavens I am not married to that bozo. In fact, things are a bit different here.

J won't let me do his laundry because I don't fold things nicely enough. J does breakfast with the kids and cleans up after it.

I know that not all men are like J... but, for Pete's sake... they aren't all imbeciles!

A little patience.

2008-06-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Z has been out of school for less than a week - and, he is driving me completely nuts.

He is nearly unresponsive, except when he wants something (when he is whiny, tugging at me, and in my face). He interrupts my conversations with adults, but won't talk to me when I beg him to. Getting him to start his summer academic activities has been mind-numbingly difficult.

And... my sister just suggested that maybe this stems from his teacher having been more emotionally abusive than I had realized.

Oh...

Then, maybe I am an asshole for completely going off the deep end and losing my patience with him.

Duh.

Is there a worst mom competition? I know who to write-in now.

Bad Mom/Good Dad

2008-06-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

We travel with our kids... a lot.

As such, I have oodles of nightmare stories "poop on a plane", "missed the plane", "barfed in the car", "flight canceled - three kids under six (plus sixteen college kids)", and so on. I promise that I won't regale you with all of them.

But, one of them keeps coming back. It isn't because the experience, by itself, was so horrifying. It was the response of the public.

So, we were taking a bunch of college kids to the Bahamas, and it was the first leg of the journey. Flying as a family to Miami to meet the students. Our kids at the time - five, three, and one. It was December 27th and we were headed from the winter to the tropics.

This trip, I might add, requires that I carry over 200 lbs of clothes, dive gear, dive lights, batteries, laptop, books, snacks, kid stuff, and other items.

Carry-on for this particular trip included: snacks for kids, toys/diversions, laptop, digital camera, lecture notes, course notes, class handouts, diapers, wipes, sippies, a spare set of clothes for child in potty training, and the usual stuff you might carry. Stuff that I: didn't want stolen, needed no matter what when we arrived, and needed en route.

So, when the baby (toddler) pooped in his pants right before they called our flight in the first puddle jumper - we debated. We didn't want to miss the flight. We didn't want to change a poop in the aisle of a 16 seat plane then sit with poopy diaper for two hours). Finally, we gambled and he hastened in to change the kid while I held the other two and paced.

In short, J tried to shortcut the changing routine by pulling T's pants just to his ankles and not completely removing shoes, pants, etc. as he was in a hurry. T found it funny and dipped his foot into the poop - then smeared it all over his little shoes, his pants, sweatshirt, and his socks. Making the best of a bad thing... J threw out the socks, rinsed and wiped the shoes and put them back on T, threw the pants and top into one of our baggies and tied it shut.. then bagged the toxic waste and called the HAZMAT team.

So, now we are traveling in December sub-freezing weather with three kids, the baby nearly naked in a t-shirt and wet sneakers. Then, we get to the first stop of our journey for a four-hour layover.

Please note that airports do carry the following: perfume, booze, t-shirts, hats, golf balls, kitsch, and many other items. They do not sell: children's pants. Basically, the kid was gonna stay naked until we re-united with 200 pounds of luggage in Miami.

Here is the interesting part of this experience: When my dear husband was with this naked ragamuffin in the (cool) airport... people smirked, gave knowing looks, and smiled at him. You could see the inner dialogue: "poor dad, came unprepared... how amusing". When J left to help the other kids burn off energy... people walking by a mom with a naked ragamuffin in December the response was different. People glared at me, scowled, didn't make eye contact, and were generally pissy. Here is the dialogue to me: "what is the matter with that woman and why is her baby naked? How disgusting... what trash".

I swear I am not making it up... I even got independent verification of the phenomenon.

What is wrong, people? Why the hate? Geez, there is only so much shit you can carry; 40 lbs of carry-on and 30 pound toddler is enough while we are toting two other kids that need hand-holding.

What was your worst or most interesting travel story?

Tough Guy

2008-06-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

My kids come on most of my field trips with my classes. My kids are still young and cute, so the students like it. My kids adore college students, so they love to be along. Besides, my trips usually have something to do with playing with bugs or mud or critters of one kind or another.

It used to always be that Z would develop a crush on one of the girls. For the last year, though, it's been B that is smitten. B wants to marry one of my students - she is a little uneasy about his unbridled affection (in a good way, though). The other students think it is hilarious. The sad day will come at some point when my boys really notice the bikini clad students (on my beach trip) and the students find it less cute. For now, we think it is grand.

My kids also participate in most of the class activities. This means that if it is wet and cold, they also get wet and cold. This has had one bonus, the college kids don't complain as much as they used to.

For example, last year I taught marine biology. Our field trip got us to the beach on a rainy spring day. The temperature hovered around forty, it was howling with wind, and the rain was spitting sporadically... not such a nice day.

We bundled up and trotted into the mud to drag nets and dig for worms and other stuff. Z had a full set of raingear and little boots. B had a raincoat, sweats on, and his little boots (they don't make toddler foul weather gear - what gives?). T was bundled up and in a backpack on me over my chest waders.

We all tromped out of the vans to the mudflats, got out the nets, buckets, and sampling gear. It was just about then that Beck got stuck in the mud and sat down in about 4 inches of cold seawater. When I helped him stand... it ran down his legs into his boots. The kid was wet. It was cold and windy. He paused and looked at me - "do I cry here?". I said "whoops, don't sit here... that's not a good idea". He bucked up.

He had a blast catching crabs, fish, worms, hermits, and jellies. And, everytime a college kid looked like they were about to bitch - they looked at B and changed their mind.